1 Quickie, 2 Punnies

1 Quickie, 2 Punnies

1. Grocery Shopping

My wife sent me to the grocery store for organic vegetables, but not wanting to drive to our usual store, I just stopped at the corner market.
They didn't seem to carry organic produce, so I found the manager.
"These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
He looked at me and replied, "Nope. You're gonna have to do that yourself!"

2. At The Doctors

The blonde patient was adamant.
"Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..."
"Whoa. Just a minute," interrupted the doctor. "What makes you think you need all these?"
"Well," said the blonde, "my boss said, if I want to keep my job, I've got to get reorganized!"

3. Public Service Alert

WARNING: If you receive an e-mail from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu -- ignore it. It's just spam.




Woman Posts Ex-Boyfriend's 'Little Penis' Pics
STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- A young woman in Stockholm, Sweden, has risen to prominence on VW's list of "scorned women stories", Voyeurwebbers.
According to local news reports, when the 24-year-old boyfriend broke off their relationship to date someone else, the 18-year-old woman posted pictures of his "little" penis ... not online, but in public ... on street-light posts ... in his neighborhood ... complete with his name and phone number!
The news reports said the woman also allegedly threw eggs at her ex-boyfriend's car, and posted pictures of her ex-beau's new squeeze with a note calling her a "slut".
The young woman was charged in court with harassment. Police said the woman admitted to them that she knew her activities were illegal.





Oddities by K.
Eye recently came across a couple of odd little news items, Voyeurwebbers, from disparate parts of the planet that have nothing in common except for the oddness of them. They don't quite qualify as weird, yet are still difficult to forget and will linger with you a while.
The first item is from the U.S. state of Wyoming, also proudly known as the Cowboy State. There, a would-be thief in the town of Riverton, provided local authorities with a virtuoso display of alcohol-induced stupidity.
According to Riverton Police reports, a man, whose name was withheld, ran out of a local grocery store after grabbing a bottle of Schnapps. But the man, 26, had forgotten one essential ingredient to any well-planned crime: the escape route.
Police said the man ran out of the store after grabbing the bottle of booze and a package of cough drops and hid in a nearby building. The same building, as it turned out, that housed the Riverton Police. Yep, it was the police station. Police say the man then ran out of the police station, but not before a dispatcher had spied him on the station's surveillance camera and alerted officers.
The man, who police say was drunk, was caught soon after and taken into custody on preliminary charges of resisting arrest and shoplifting.
You have to be pretty drunk to run into a police station to avoid getting caught for shoplifting, Voyeurwebbers.
The second item takes us from the Cowboy State to the island of Britain, to a unique little item about a man who is retiring after running a business helping people permanently retire for 50 years.
He's an undertaker and, after 50 years in the funeral business, he has lifted open the lid on a few of the bizarre -- Britons would probably prefer "eccentric" -- last requests of his clients or their descendants.
Take, for example, the 84-year-old widow who refused to be buried in the joint graveyard plot her husband had bought before his death, and insisted on being buried with her stuffed pet parrot instead.
Another reveals Franjo Jozic, from Zagreb, Croatia, was buried by her family with her coffin lined in banknotes.
Still, some requests can never be fulfilled, the 72-year-old undertaker explained.
"We get quite a few family members who approach us after a funeral and ask us if we can dig up their relatives to recover jewellery. But the strangest was a woman who wanted us to dig up her mother so she could get her artificial hip joint. She said she'd paid for it and she wanted it back," he said.
Definitely odd and, at least for a while, unforgettable, Voyeurwebbers. K.