Sunday, March 29, 2009

Daily Cryptogram

3/29 WJKX ZSOXIE WIQU CS YHIRW JIB JS HOSYWJSU KE YKO. K CRXW XYL, KW BYX YE KEXZKOYWKIEYQ XWIOL.



BFVU FH URJ XBAFDUIMU URXMKV XM URJ OFDNL RIWJ GJJM IZZFBANXVRJL GP AJFANJ ORF RIWJ EJAU FM UDPXMK ORJM URJDJ VJJBJL UF GJ MF RFAJ IU INN. LINJ ZIDMJKXJ

Sunday, March 22, 2009

WEEK OF MARCH 22, 2009


LEAD STORYAmericans' Special Relationship with "Taxes": It is not just that the secretary of the Treasury owed back taxes for years, or that two other presidential cabinet-level nominees owed back taxes. In January, federal prosecutors revealed that District of Columbia Council member Marion Barry, who was already on probation after a 2005 conviction for failing to file tax returns for the years 1999 through 2004, and subsequently almost tauntingly failed to file a return for 2006, has now doubled-down the taunt by failing to file for 2007. And in March, a Georgia state senator proposed punishment for the 22 members of the legislature who either owed back taxes or had failed to file returns for at least one year since 2002. The 22 were not identified, in compliance with privacy laws, but the Senate's Democratic leader, Robert Brown, outed himself as one of the 22 in the course of calling his scolding colleague a "bloodsucker."
[Macon Telegraph, 3-5-09; Washington Post, 1-29-09]
Prodigies
The 2-Legged Dog: Pet rescuer Judy Walker of Oviedo, Fla., and Oklahoman Jude Stringfellow are battling over custody of Walker's two-legged puppy, which Walker believes has special needs but which Stringfellow is seeking to adopt, in part to portray Stringfellow's own famous, hind-legs-walking dog "Faith" as a puppy in a movie she is working on. Stringfellow said Walker had reneged on a firm Feb. 2 adoption date and implied that she had hired celebrity attorney Mark Geragos to get the puppy. [WKMG-TV (Orlando), 1-29-09; Orlando Sentinel, 1-15-09]
The 11-Year-Old Bullfighter: Michelito Peniche killed six young bulls in a single fight before 3,500 spectators in Merida, Mexico, in January, despite the mayor's ban on the event as a child-labor violation (but which was allowed to proceed after Michelito's father appealed to a state prosecutor). Michelito began his career in the ring at age 4. [BBC News, 1-25-09]
Can't Possibly Be True
Gildazio Costa, 54, was arrested in Framingham, Mass., in February and charged with kidnapping and beating his girlfriend following a five-hour-long argument they were having about what the operating hours are for the local library. [Metrowest Daily News (Framingham), 2-10-09]
First, Do No Harm: Tennessee anesthesiologist Visuvalingam Vilvarajah was arrested in February in Kentucky and charged with providing controlled-substance prescriptions (OxyContin, methadone) to as many as 350 non-patients. However, the more basic question is why Tennessee licensed Dr. Vilvarajah in the first place, since he had been approved by the state Department of Health even though officials knew that he was on parole at the time after serving a sentence for murdering his wife and mother-in-law. A department spokeswoman told The Tennessean newspaper that no law prevented Dr. Vilvarajah's licensing. [The Tennessean, 2-6-09]
Inexplicable
A 25-year-old man was arrested in Fort Walton Beach, Fla., in February after an apparent suicide attempt. According to police, the man tried to gas himself inside his car in a closed garage, but apparently did not have a garage himself, and was arrested for trespass when he drove into a stranger's garage for the attempt, causing about $1,000 damage. [Northwest Florida Daily News, 2-19-09]
Total nudity is prohibited during Brazil's annual Carnival, as immoral and, especially, artistically tacky, but samba dancer Dani Sperle appeared in the street parade in Rio de Janeiro in February wearing a headdress, necklace, matching armbands and nothing else except a patch three centimeters long (1.2 inches) covering an intimate area. [Chicago Tribune-AP, 2-23-09]
Unclear on the Concept
In Airdrie, Alberta, in January, police officers responded to a report from the Ralph McCall Elementary School that a man was standing in the yard yelling with a portable loudspeaker toward a group of frolicking kids, calling, "Girls in the field, come over to my truck, come pet my dog." When alarmed adults nearby approached him, the man quickly got in his truck and took off. [CTV (Calgary), 1-29-09]
In response to a bomb threat called in to Hays High School in Buda, Texas, in February, Principal Shirley Reich directed the evacuation of all students, who were kept out for two hours until the all-clear. The building had not been completely cleared, though. Reich had ordered that eight special-needs students, who presented mobility problems for the staff, be kept inside during the evacuation, and afterward Reich defended her decision, crediting herself for compassion because it was cold outside, and she wanted the special-needs students to be comfortable. [KXAN-TV (Austin), 2-13-09]
In February, a federal jury in Tucson, Ariz., awarded damages of $77,000 to six illegal immigrants who had trespassed on rancher Roger Barnett's land in 2004 (only one of hundreds of forays onto his land over the years by border-jumpers from Mexico) because Barnett had detained them while he was carrying a gun, which the jury said constituted "infliction of emotional distress" (though Barnett said he was merely protecting his property). Originally, 16 Mexican nationals had sued for $32 million, accusing Barnett of violating whatever civil rights illegal-immigrant trespassers might have. [Washington Times, 2-17-09]
Least Competent People
How Could These Victims Have Acquired So Much Money in the First Place?
(a) A 27-year-old "psychic" was sentenced to two months in jail in San Jose, Calif., in December after somehow convincing a woman, who had come to her for a $10 reading, to pay her, in ever-increasing increments, $108,000 for a "spiritual cleansing." [San Francisco Chronicle, 12-10-08]
(b) Charles Silveira filed a lawsuit in March in Morristown, N.J., to recover the $250,000 he had incrementally paid to a "psychic," who said she needed to make a golden statue for him to ward off negativity. The woman also convinced Silveira to buy her a $700,000 home, but that house is in Silveira's name, and he has asked a court's permission to evict her. [Daily Record (Parsippany), 3-10-09]
Crime Doesn't Pay (except maybe $25 an hour): According to police in Longview, Wash., a 57-year-old woman entered a Winco Foods store at 5 a.m. on March 2 and did not leave the store until 5 p.m., and upon exit, paid for about $80 worth of groceries but also possessed about 100 other small, concealed items such as greeting cards, sunglasses and batteries (the total value of which was about $300). She had spent at least part of the day surreptitiously removing the items' packaging so they would not appear to be the store's stock. [Longview Daily News, 3-3-09]
Recurring Themes
Once again, a man was found to have climbed into the waste tank of an outdoor toilet, but according to a March report in the Twin Falls (Idaho) Times-News, the emergency crew seemed to accept his story that it was all a mistake and not a manifestation of perversion. Rescuers from the town of Filer, Idaho, said the man told them he was just looking for his keys that he had accidentally dropped and had been in the tank for 15 minutes before help arrived. The man declined to identify himself, and no official report was required, but after the man was hosed off by a fire truck, he "discovered" that his keys had been in his pocket all along, and he drove away. [Times-News, 3-6-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (July 1991)
In March 1991, Florence Schreiber Powers, 44, a Ewing, N.J., administrative law judge on trial for shoplifting two watches, called her psychiatrist to testify that Powers was under stress at the time of the incidents. The doctor said Powers did not know what she was doing "from one minute to the next," for the following reasons: recent auto accident, traffic ticket, new-car purchase, overwork, husband's kidney stones, husband's asthma (and noisy breathing machine in their bedroom), menopausal hot flashes, "ungodly" vaginal itch, bad rash, fear of breast and anal cancer, fear of dental surgery, son's asthma, mother's and aunt's illnesses, need to organize parents' 50th wedding anniversary, need to cook Thanksgiving dinner for 20 relatives, purchase of 200 gifts for Christmas and Hanukkah, attempt to sell her house without a broker, lawsuit against wallpaper cleaners, need to return newly purchased furniture, and toilet constantly running. (Nonetheless, she was convicted.) [Trentonian, 3-27-91]
Thanks This Week to Sandy Pearlman, Kathryn Wood, and Jennifer Norberg, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
(And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE---->

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Computer Help Desk Log


Computer Help Desk
LogHelpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
Female customer: "A white one..."
"Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
"Helpdesk: "What's on your monitor now, ma'am?"
Customer: "A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
"Helpdesk: "And now hit F8."
Customer: "It's not working.
"Helpdesk: "What did you do, exactly?
"Customer: "I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
"Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in 'apple', a capital letter 'V' as in 'Victor', and the number 7.
Customer: "Is that 7 in capital letters?"

Hundreds Strip For Free Trips



LONDON, England -- Some 400 people had the luck of the Irish, Voyeurwebbers, but they had to take their clothes off to get it. About 400 people have stripped off in London in order to win free flights in a stunt organized by Irish carrier Aer Lingus.The airline had promised two free flights to people willing to strip off at Jubilee Gardens, located in the shadow of the London Eye. The participants were given `shamrocks' to protect their modesty.The airline had hoped to attract 1000 people for the strip-off, but Metropolitan Police told The Daily Telegraph that less than half that number had turned out, despite the unseasonably warm weather.A spokesman for the airline said some participants had stripped off completely, despite warnings from the police that they would be fined for doing so.The airline's stunt was to promote new routes from Gatwick Airport to Europe, tying in with it's "no hidden extras" tagline.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

WEEK OF MARCH 15, 2009

LEAD STORY
In January 2008, London's The Sun found a practitioner of a new art form in which a design is inked, with a tattoo needle, into the sclera, which is the white part of the eyeball. That volunteer (from Canada) may well be the only daredevil, or one of a tiny number, but Oklahoma state senators were alarmed enough that they passed legislation out of committee in February to ban the practice in their state. "If we can stop ... one person from doing it, we've been successful," said Sen. Cliff Branan. An Oklahoma City tattoo artist told KSBI-TV that the law is useless, in that "common sense" will prevent the problem. (So far, only the senators from Oklahoma seem to believe they have constituents who might actually ask for ink to be inserted into their eyeballs.) [KSBI-TV (Oklahoma City), 2-20-09; The Sun, 2-27-08]
Cultural Diversity
A member of the Singapore Parliament, Loo Choon Yong, attracted worldwide attention in February when he proposed that his already legendarily hard-working countrymen add Saturdays as a workday, to improve productivity to cover for a declining birthrate. "We should accept that, as a people, our procreation talent is not our forte," he said, and move from a five-day workweek to six. [Agence France-Presse, 2-5-09]
A state-of-the-judiciary report in February by Chief Justice AP Shah of the High Court in Delhi, India, estimated that the backlog of cases in the country's notoriously sluggish legal system would take up to "466 years" to clear. Shah acknowledged that progress had been made since 2007, with 56,000 cases cleared, at an average time of five minutes per case, but that systemic problems remained, among them corruption, the complexity of laws and the low quality of judicial personnel. (One property case from the 1950s was not resolved until the mid-1990s.) [BBC News, 2-11-09]
In February, at the 500th annual celebration of the Buddhist Saidaiji Eyo festival (reputed to be one of Japan's three "oddest"), about 9,000 men dressed only in loincloths tussled over two pieces of sacred wood that were thrown into what the Kyodo news service called a "writhing throng" of men at a temple in Okayama. Those who somehow emerged with the 8-inch-long planks will supposedly have good luck this year. [Japan Times-Kyodo, 2-23-09]
Latest Religious Messages
Pastor Bob Book of the Church of the Common Ground in Atlanta and his wife scrub the feet of three dozen homeless men every Monday, based on the concept of Jesus washing his disciples' feet, with such pedicures including a soak, pumice-rubbing, nail-trimming and massage, topped off by a clean pair of socks. Book says his crusade makes the down-and-out feel more confident, and the "worst ongoing" threat, according to him, is not Satan in men's minds but fungus in their toes. "It eats away and destroys the toenails and just makes it very hard for people to walk." [The State (Columbia, S.C.)-AP, 1-22-09]
The Vatican said in January that Pope Benedict XVI would soon issue guidelines to help Catholics understand which "sightings" of the Virgin Mary and Jesus are legitimate and which are phony (such as "apparitions" that seem to have been created for quick sale on eBay). When a claim occurs, the local bishop will be expected to convene a panel of theologians, mental-health people and priests who will investigate (and, if the sighting is demonic, summon an exorcist). (A 2003 Vatican paper noted that only 11 of the 295 reported apparitions during the 20th century were "genuine.") [Daily Mail (London), 1-13-09]
Questionable Judgments
In January, Prince William County, Va., supervisors told Robert Bird, the longtime chief of the volunteer firehouse in Gainesville, that it would be shut down if Bird and his wife and 19-year-old daughter didn't move out. They had taken up residence upstairs from the truck decades ago (a Washington Post reporter was not able to track down exactly when) and built a customized kitchen for themselves with room for 16 guests, a weight room, and a large family room with a 50-inch TV set. Said the chairman of the supervisors, "There is a difference between sleeping in the station and living in the station." [Washington Post, 1-17-09]
"This adds an extra dimension people will appreciate," said Hobart, Australia, mayor Rob Valentine in December, announcing that at the annual Taste Festival later that month, performance artists would entertain in the restrooms. According to Valentine, the performers would also supply soap and towels and would "recite (a) favorite poem, or tell ... a story" while concert-goers "used the facilities." [The Mercury (Hobart), 12-23-08]
The Giza Zoo (the largest in Cairo, Egypt) is a broken-down version of its former greatness due to poor management, failed international inspections, animal sickness and attrition, and a deteriorating neighborhood, and among the problems now, according to a February Global Post dispatch, is that employees supplement their tiny wages with $2 bribes from visitors who want to fraternize with the animals. "(P)osing with elephants" and "feeding seals" are big attractions, but so are visitors' roaming the cages, "holding lion cubs" and "hugging bears." [GlobalPost.com, 2-6-09]
The Classic Middle Name (all-new!)
Arrested Recently and Awaiting Trial for Murder: Kevin Wayne Dunlap, Hopkinsville, Ky., October; Richard Wayne Smith, Marietta, Ga., January; Joshua Wayne Cubbage, St. Helens, Ore., February; Timothy Wayne Murray, Slidell, La., convicted on a 2005 cocaine possession charge in March 2009 while awaiting trial for a 2006 murder. Indicted for Murder: Arnold Wayne McCartney, Lewis County, W.Va., March; Arthur Wayne Blood, Pendleton, Ore., March. Convicted of Murder: Michael Wayne Charles, Beaumont, Texas, October; John Wayne Graves Jr., Lancaster, Pa., November; Michael Wayne Sherrill, Charlotte, N.C., February; Douglas Wayne Hall II, Richmond, Ky., February. Sentenced for Murder: Charles Wayne Warden, Brownsville, Texas, January. Murder Conviction Upheld on Appeal: Thomas Wayne Weaver, Gastonia, N.C., February. Executed for Murder: Kenneth Wayne Morris, Huntsville, Texas, March. Died in Prison Awaiting Retrial for Murder: Michael Wayne Jennings, Martinez, Calif., convicted of murder in 1984 but granted a retrial in 2002. Dunlap: [Times Leader (Princeton, Ky.)-AP, 10-27-08] Smith: [Marietta Daily Journal, 1-12-09] Cubbage: [South County Spotlight (Portland, Ore.), 3-4-09] Murray: [Times-Picayune (New Orleans), 3-3-09] McCartney: [MSNBC-WBOY-TV (Clarksburg, W.Va.), 3-4-09] Blood: [KTVZ-TV (Bend, Ore.)-AP, 3-5-09] Charles: [Beaumont Enterprise, 10-30-08] Graves: [Lancaster New Era, 11-7-08] Sherrill: [Charlotte Observer, 2-20-09] Hall: [Lexington Herald-Leader, 2-28-09] Warden: [Brownsville Herald, 1-30-09] Weaver: [Charlotte Observer, 2-25-09] Morris: [United Press International, 3-5-09] Jennings: [Contra Costa Times, 3-3-09]
Least Competent Criminals
Not Ready for Prime Time: Matthew Peverada was arrested in Portland, Maine, in December and charged with attempting to rob Dipietro's Market. His first attempt, at about 4 p.m., was rebuffed, but he announced that he'd be back at 11 p.m., and that they'd better have some money for him. He returned, and police were waiting. [Portland Press-Herald, 12-29-08]
In Phoenix in January, Shawn Holden, 20, ran from his car rather than be detained at a traffic stop for running a red light, and officers pursued him on foot. As police were wandering around looking for Holden, a truck driver walked by, got into his truck, and drove off, running over the prostrate body of Holden, who had been hiding underneath. He was treated at a hospital and arrested. [Arizona Republic, 1-21-09]
Recurring Themes
The Economics of Class-Action Lawsuits: On Jan. 20, L'Oreal, Estee Lauder and seven other cosmetics companies offered one free item per customer ("for as long as supplies last") as penance for having allegedly conspired with department stores to fix prices in the 1990s and early 2000s (but did not admit to any wrongdoing). The total amount the companies agreed to spend on the settlement was $175 million, even though the benefit to any aggrieved customers was merely the price of one cosmetic item. However, lawyers who brought the case took home $24 million. [St. Petersburg Times, 1-30-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (January 1996)
From the Riley County police blotter in the Kansas State University newspaper, Sept. 2, 1995: At 1:33 p.m., disturbance involving Marcus Miles; at 2:14 p.m. (at a different address), "unwanted subject" (police jargon for acquaintance who wouldn't leave) in the home, Marcus Miles told to leave; at 4:08 p.m. (different address), Marcus Miles accused of harassment; at 6:10 p.m., "unwanted subject" call against Marcus Miles. Nov. 14: At 6:47 p.m., "unwanted subject" in the home, Marcus Miles told by officers to leave; at 7:36 p.m. (different address), "unwanted subject" call against Marcus Miles. Nov. 20: At 2:05 a.m. (different address), "unwanted subject" charge filed against Marcus Miles; at 2:55 a.m. (different address), disturbance involving Marcus Miles; at 3:07 a.m. (different address), "unwanted subject" charge filed against Marcus Miles; at 4:11 a.m. (different address), "unwanted subject" report made against Marcus Miles. [K State Collegian, 9-7-95; 11-14-95, 11-20-95]
Thanks This Week to Don Schullian, Bill Merrell, Chuck Stack, Phil Green, Allen Wencl, Neil Gimon, David Bier, and Sue Clark, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
(And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE---->

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Sexy One Liners

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What did the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
A: Hanson.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the difference between a woman and Kentucky Chicken?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: 'Honey, I'm home.'
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing!
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a 'quickie', only you do it yourself.
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, you can beat your eggs,and you can beat your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day for March 01, 2009 is:


Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day for March 01, 2009 is:
immoderate • \im-MAH-duh-rut\ • adjective: exceeding just, usual, or suitable bounds
Example sentence:The budget buffet attracted customers with immoderate appetites but limited pocketbooks.
Did you know?"Immoderate," "excessive," "inordinate, "extravagant," "exorbitant," and "extreme" all mean going beyond a normal limit. "Immoderate" suggests a lack of desirable or necessary restraint ("immoderate spending"). "Excessive" implies an amount or degree too great to be reasonable or acceptable ("excessive punishment"). "Inordinate" implies an exceeding of the limits dictated by reason or good judgment ("inordinate pride"). "Extravagant" implies an indifference to restraints imposed by truth, prudence, or good taste ("extravagant claims for the product"). "Exorbitant" has connotations of a departure from accepted standards regarding amount or degree ("exorbitant prices"). "Extreme" may imply an approach to the farthest limit possible or conceivable, but commonly means only to a notably high degree ("extreme shyness").

WEEK ENDING 03/01/2009

LEAD STORY
Belgian workers take sick leave nearly four times as often as U.S. workers, mostly attributed to Belgian law, which grants full salary the first month and then government-guaranteed 80-percent pay indefinitely. A recent study, noted in a January Wall Street Journal report, found that only 5 percent of Belgian leave-takers were proven malingerers, but that the biggest medical problem now is easily-diagnosed "depression" (exacerbated by the worsening economy), leading to free-form medical leave-taking and creative treatments often unchallenged, such as for the man who frolicked on the soccer field, bought an Alfa Romeo, and reconnected with old friends (all of which, not surprisingly, said his doctor, lessened his depression). [Wall Street Journal, 1-9-09]
Fine Points of the Law
On successive days in January in the courthouse in Sheboygan, Wis., 17-year-old Alan Jepsen and 17-year-old Norma Guthrie were each charged with sexual assault for having consensual sex with their respective 14-year-old, opposite-sex companions. However, Jepsen was charged with a felony (maximum: 25 years in prison), and Guthrie was charged with a misdemeanor (maximum, 9 months). [Sheboygan Press, 1-9-09]
In January, a judge at Britain's Bristol Crown Court dropped the case against a 20-year-old man accused of robbing a driving instructor because the victim-witness was "too believable" in her testimony to the jury. Judge Jamie Tabor explained that the victim had only seen the defendant for a split-second, but that she appeared so sincere and courageous that the jury probably regarded her courtroom identification of the man as more authoritative than the mere glimpse deserved. [Daily Mail (London), 1-13-09]
Compelling Explanations
Australia's Queensland Rail agency disclosed in January that it would quickly offer refunds to passengers on a Cairns-to-Brisbane train that crashed just outside Cairns, but reiterated at the same time that it would not pay refunds to survivors of a November 2008 Brisbane-to-Cairns train crash that killed two and injured nine. The difference, according to a Queensland Rail general manager, was that the 2009 trip was just getting underway from Cairns when it crashed, but that the 2008 trip, also near Cairns, was "95 percent over" by the time the deadly crash occurred (and thus, the survivors had basically reached their destination). [Courier Mail (Brisbane), 1-11-09]
Not My Fault
Timothy Hoffman, 26, was awarded $76.6 million by a jury in Viera, Fla., in January for becoming paralyzed in a 2003 incident when, on a dare, he dove headfirst into the Indian River, which, unknown to him, was about a foot deep at that point. One reason for the large judgment may have been that the defendant, C&D Dock Works, one of whose employees may have been the one that issued the dare, is bankrupt and did not defend itself at the trial. (There was also evidence that Hoffman may have solicited the dare himself.) [Orlando Sentinel, 1-23-09]
Paul Sanchez, 67, an "occasional" golfer, filed a lawsuit in Brentwood, N.H., in February against the Candia Woods Golf Links for a 2006 incident in which his approach shot hit a yard marker in the fairway, bounced back, and struck him in the eye. Sanchez claimed the course owners were negligent in placing the sign in the fairway and also should have warned him that balls would bounce off of it. [Manchester Union Leader, 2-4-09]
Ironies
The $500,000 top prize in Alaska's January statewide lottery, to benefit the organization Standing Together Against Rape, for victims of sexual assault, was won by Alec Ahsoak, 53, who coincidentally is a twice-convicted sex offender. [Anchorage Daily News, 1-11-09]
Sweden's Hallands Nyheter newspaper reported in January that a police officer had endured four operations at a private clinic in Gothenburg to correct a birth condition that made one leg shorter than the other, but operations on the longer leg cut off too much, so it is now shorter than the leg that used to be the shorter one. [The Local (Stockholm), 1-27-09]
I Demand My Rights
In January, an appeals court in Newark, N.J., reinstated Doris Sexton's worker-compensation lawsuit against a county-owned nursing home where Sexton had claimed that breathing a co-worker's perfume one day in 2004 had made her permanently disabled and tethered to an oxygen tank. A lower court had decided that it was far more likely that her disability was caused by Sexton's 43-year, pack-a-day cigarette habit than by the brief exposure to perfume. [New York Daily News-AP, 1-9-09]
Inadvertently, Raed Jarrar, 30, made his August 2006 airline flight from New York to Oakland, Calif., pay off handsomely for him, despite some inconvenience and harassment. Jarrar, an Iraqi-born U.S. resident married to an American citizen, was wearing a T-shirt with Arabic lettering at the JetBlue gate at JFK airport when the airline denied him boarding. After negotiating, he was allowed to board provided he cover the shirt and sit in the back row. In January 2009, JetBlue and two officials of the Transportation Security Administration agreed to pay Jarrar $240,000 to settle his racial profiling lawsuit. (The T-shirt read "We Will Not Be Silent" and was in both English and Arabic.) [Washington Post, 1-6-09]
Oops!
In January, assistant coaches Scott Coy and Darren DeMeio, of the Westminister College (New Wilmington, Pa.) football team, who were in Nashville, Tenn., for a coaches' convention, were seriously injured during 4 a.m. horseplay-wrestling at their hotel. The men, who weigh a combined 525 lbs., crashed through the double-paned window in their fourth-floor room and fell to the ground in their underwear. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 1-15-09]
Least Competent Criminals
Not Ready for Prime Time: John West, 20, and Ashley Sorensen, 20, were arrested in Auburn, Calif., in January after allegedly stealing the tires and rims off a car. The pair had put the tires on their own car and then violated a cardinal rule by returning to the crime scene, to see if the owner had called the police. (She had, and she pointed out the pair's car to officers.) [KOVR-TV (Sacramento), 1-28-09]
A man who demanded the bank's money in Nicholasville, Ky., in January left empty-handed after an employee at the counter informed him that the building is now a regional water-district office and not the bank that used to be there. [Lexington Herald-Leader, 1-14-09]
Recurring Themes: Dogs Causing Trouble
On the Open Road: A 70-lb. pit bull jumped on a car's gearshift at a carwash in Pryor, Okla., in November, sending the car out of the bay, to circle the lot briefly. [Fort Worth Star-Telegram-AP, 11-7-08]
And a boxer-shar-pei mix similarly jostled the gearshift of a van in Port Jefferson, N.Y., in November, sending it through the front window of the Cool Beanz coffee shop. [Newsday, 11-19-08]
On the Firing Line: Oregon State Police said a gunshot into a boat on Tillamook Bay in November was probably caused by a Labrador's jumping on a 12-gauge shotgun while the boat was unattended. [The Oregonian, 11-23-08]
And a 19-year-old man had several toes shot off on a hunting trip in January in Forrest City, Ark., when his dog jumped onto a shotgun in the front seat of his truck. [Times-Herald (Forrest City), 1-26-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (October 1993)
The Baltimore Sun reported in June 1993 that New York City artist Todd Alden had recently asked 400 art collectors worldwide to send him samples of their feces so he could offer them for sale in personalized tins. Said Alden, "Scatology is emerging as an increasingly significant part of artistic inquiry in the 1990s." A 30-gram tin of the feces of Italian artist Piero Manzoni, canned in 1961, sold just before that for $75,000. Subsequent to this story, News of the Weird periodically tracked the fluctuating price of the several Manzoni tins, including Britain's Tate Gallery's 2002 purchase for $38,000 (which was over 100 times the price of an equal amount of gold). A colleague of Manzoni revealed in 2007 that his tins probably contained just plaster, but a Tate curator pointed out the irrelevance of the physical content of art. [Baltimore Evening Sun, 6-4-93; Sydney Morning Herald, 7-1-02; Reuters, 6-12-07]
Thanks This Week to Sandy Pearlman, Brian Rogers, Albert Clawson, Christopher Stang, Hal Dunham, Candy Clouston, and Tom Barker, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
(And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE---->
© 2009 UCLICK, L.L.C. Copyright © 2009 Universal Press Syndicate

"Calling Shotgun"

"Calling Shotgun"
The TheoryThe term "Shotgun" refers to the front passenger seat of an automobile. "Calling Shotgun" is the act of claiming the position of Shotgun for one's self. As this position is the most coveted of all positions when riding in a car, the following list of rules has been created to ensure that Shotgun can be acquired in a fair and equitable manner by any passenger of an automobile.



The HistoryThe history of calling "Shotgun" goes back to the days of covered wagons and the Wild West. On a trip across the plains, the driver of a wagon would hold the reins of his horse team and concentrate on driving. This left him and the occupants of his wagon susceptible to sneak attacks from bandits and thieves. To avoid this atrocious circumstance it became necessary for one person to sit next to the driver with a shotgun and fend off the enemy.
Defending against bandits is no longer the priority of Shotgun however, but it has evolved into a pre-driving ritual that is experienced before almost every car ride across America and even the world. Because of the obvious evolution that has already occurred with Shotgun, we ask you to consider Shotgun as a living entity and be aware that it is always changing for the better good of society.



The RulesThe following rules have been created through many years of exploring the ritual of Shotgun and are designed with the idea of fairness to all as the main priority. They are also the most complete and comprehensive listing of Shotgun rules available today.


You Must Say The Word "Shotgun"You must say the word "Shotgun" to stake your claim on Shotgun. This must be done clearly and loud enough so that at least one other to-be occupant of the vehicle can hear you. No variations of this word are acceptable. After you have rightfully called Shotgun, you have exclusive rights to Shotgun for that ride. However, if no one hears you call Shotgun it is still fair game for everyone.
The Deed Must Be Done Before Shotgun May Be CalledFor these rules to work properly, it is essential for you to understand and accept the concept of the "Deed". Shotgun may only be called after the "deed is done". Simply stated, the deed is any activity or objective that directly precedes the ride in the automobile. The deed can be anything ranging from a visit at a friend's house, to a shopping trip at the mall, to a visit to the Grand Canyon. We cannot stress how important this is because this establishes a Shotgun-calling time frame that ensures everyone has an equal chance of recognizing when to call Shotgun.
There is no crime greater than calling Shotgun on Monday in reference to the ride to the concert on Friday. Some people choose to play this way, and they are fools.


You Must Be Outside To Call ShotgunThe best way to establish exactly when the deed is done is to define this moment as the instance that you have left the building in which the deed took place. All passengers need not to have exited, but someone must hear you call Shotgun.
Some people choose to use a variation of this rule and require that all occupants be out of the building before Shotgun can be called. This does not work. It leads to everyone calling Shotgun at the same time and often ends in physical violence.


The Barefoot RuleSince you must be outside to call Shotgun, some people will just grab their shoes, jump outside, and call Shotgun before putting their shoes on. This has been deemed "gaping", and is not a legal procedure. You must have your shoes on, if you choose to wear any, before you may call Shotgun.


The Re-entry RuleIf you call Shotgun and then go back inside for some reason, you must re-call Shotgun after leaving. After you have re-entered the building, Shotgun is once again fair game to all.


When The Deed Is OutdoorsIf the deed takes place outdoors, which it often does, the completion of the deed must be agreed upon when Shotgun is called. Any major disputes over the completion of the deed, as with any discrepancy, can be easily settled with a quick round of Rock, Paper, Scissors.


The Line-Of-Sight RuleIn the situation of the deed being a hike or other extensive outdoor activity, you may not call Shotgun until the automobile is within your sight. This rule needs only to be used when the passengers are outside for a long time and have traveled long distances from the car, as with a day of snow skiing.




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Miscellaneous


Hand On DoorShotgun can no longer be called once someone's hand is holding the shotgun door handle. This officially stakes their claim to Shotgun and calling it at this time is just redundant. This is one scenario where a person does not actually have to say Shotgun to get the seat. This rule's importance is that no one has to be around for you to stake your claim to Shotgun, whereas usually one other would-be occupant must be present for you to call it.


Sit DownIf you manage to sit in Shotgun before anyone has called it, you keep the position even if someone else calls shotgun after you sat down. This is very similar to the Hand on Door rule, where you do not actually have to say Shotgun nor does anyone else have to be present for you to claim it.


The BalkThis rule is applied when you have called Shotgun and are waiting for the doors to be unlocked. If you lift the handle while the doors are being unlocked and therefore cause the Shotgun door to remain locked, then you are "voided" for that ride. At this time Shotgun is available for all of the other passengers to call.


GaragesIf you enter a garage that is connected to a house or building without having to go outside, then you may call Shotgun as soon as you enter the room. This only applies to small attached garages. Parking structures and detached garages are always considered as being outdoors, even if they are underground.


Multiple CarsIn the situation where a group of people are travelling in multiple cars, you must specify which car you are calling Shotgun for. For example: if the two drivers are named "Bob" and "Sue", then someone must say "Shotgun Bob" or "Shotgun Sue" depending on which car they would like to ride in.


Shotgun AbandonmentIf the Shotgun occupant exits the car to accomplish a deed, Shotgun becomes eligible to the remaining passengers in the other seat(s). Once Shotgun is available, you must call Shotgun before the other occupants. Often times there is discrepancy regarding when Shotgun actually becomes available. Several attempts have been made to clearly define this point, yet no truly fair rule can be applied here. For this reason, one game of Rock, Paper, Scissors is usually the easiest way to solve the problem. Exception: If the Shotgun rider abandoned the seat to do a deed for the driver, i.e. purchasing cigarettes or pumping gas, that person retains Shotgun.


Other SeatsOnce the Shotgun seat has been called by someone, the other less prestigious seats in the car may be claimed using the same rules as calling Shotgun. For example: you can say "back-right" or "back-center". In addition, you may also negate calls such as "not back-center" which would put you in any seat except for the back-center.


Remain SeatedIf you choose to remain in the automobile while the other passengers accomplish their deed, you may retain full rights to Shotgun. Often times not everyone needs to go inside when completing menial deeds. It can be abused however when a certain person is willing to wait in the car for extensive periods of time in order to retain the rights to Shotgun. This type of person is considered to be a "Shotgun Gaper".


The Shotgun GaperGapers (gay-pers) are people who prioritize Shotgun much more than a normal human being. These people will alter their usual behavior and even undermine their own ethics in order to gain the rights to Shotgun. They do this through legal means such as sprinting for an exit, and therefore they cannot be voided. The term gaper was originally given to Will Henderson who once rode Shotgun for 2 months straight. The advantage to being a Shotgun Gaper, of course, is you always get Shotgun. Being a Shotgun Gaper, however, is frowned upon.
If you know any Gapers and disapprove of their gaping ways, visit our Gaper page. There you will find tips and tactics to help you beat the Gaper at their own game.



VoidingWhenever you break a Shotgun rule as stated in this guide, you may be voided from receiving Shotgun privileges for that ride. Although somewhat discretionary, voiding automatically applies if you call Shotgun while indoors, or if you do not have your shoes on and call Shotgun, or if you display any other blatant disregard for Shotgun protocol. In circumstances of minor Shotgun rules infractions, voiding may not need to be exercised. Being void only applies for the ride directly after the voiding has occurred and after that ride you may regain full Shotgun privileges. Once someone has been voided, then all of the other passengers are free to once again call Shotgun in the correct manner.


DiscrepanciesIf a discrepancy ever occurs, and they commonly do, over who rightfully gets Shotgun, it is usually settled with a single game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. A common application of this procedure takes place after two people call Shotgun at the exact same time. Click here to play a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors against the computer. Also consider buying one of our professionally printed rulebooks to help settle disputes on the road.
Special note regarding discrepancies: many people use a "driver override" rule that says the driver of the car settles any discrepancies. The driver override rule also says that a driver has the final say about who gets to ride Shotgun. This version of the rule is very subjective and defeats the purpose of calling Shotgun. Rock, Paper, Scissors is a much more fair and objective way of settling any disputes.



New RulesBecause Shotgun is a living entity and constantly changing, new rules always need to be created. Any group of people is welcome to implement their own rule if the situation arises. A new rule will often be created following a major discrepancy. The important thing to remember about this is that the new rule does not take effect until the next car ride.


ExceptionsAlthough the Shotgun rules have been created with ultimate fairness in mind, there are situations where exceptions need to be implemented.


Significant OthersThis is the most important exception. If a significant other (SO) is included in the group of automobile passengers and this person is the SO or potential SO of the driver, then they get automatic Shotgun privileges.


Multiple CallsThere is a rare exception where more than one person may have rightfully called Shotgun. This happens when multiple groups of people are meeting at a car, and both groups had someone claim Shotgun. If it can not be determined who made the call first, then the only fair way to settle the dispute is with Rock, Paper, Scissors.


Owner-Driver SwitchIf someone is driving an automobile other than its owner and the owner becomes a passenger, then the owner automatically gets Shotgun. When applied, this rule shows respect to the owner of the car.


The Long HaulThe rules listed above have been designed around the shorter trip (less than 1 hour). For longer journeys it is best not to use these rules because the incentives to be a gaper are too great. Rather, you should divide Shotgun equally among those who want it.




Pocket Reference GuideWe are selling a miniature Shotgun Rulebook containing the full text from the website. Buy it and put it in your glovebox to settle disputes and educate your friends with the proper Shotgun calling procedures. Click here to find out more about the guide and to purchase your copy today!