WEEK OF JUNE 1, 2008LEAD STORYThe U.S. military operates a beachfront vacation site for its personnel worldwide and their families at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, with $42-a-night air-conditioned suites, surfing, boat rides, golf course, bowling alley and even a gift shop. One T-shirt for sale reads, "The Taliban Towers at Guantanamo Bay, the Caribbean's Newest 5-star Resort." News of the facility was not widely reported until a British lawyer who represents 28 of the nearly 300 detainees housed there described it to London's Daily Mail in May. [Daily Mail, 5-3-08]
The Continuing Crisis Another Criterion for Teacher Certification: Police in Fort Myers, Fla., were called to Royal Palm Exceptional School in April and wound up arresting an 8-year-old boy named Deshawn for punching his female teacher in the face, leaving several bruises. Said Deshawn's grandmother, Dorothy Williams, when interviewed by WBBH-TV: "He gets very upset, and he loves to hit," but "If he was overpowering her that much, I feel like she shouldn't be in that line of work." [MSNBC-WBBH-TV (Fort Myers), 4-24-08] America in Decline: One of the Internet's successful Web sites (10 million page views a month, with $500,000 in ads from companies including Verizon, McDonald's and General Motors) is a site that merely reports on what celebrities' babies are wearing, in that so many mothers are apparently obsessed with mimicking those clothing choices for their own tots. A May Wall Street Journal feature said sometimes the site's posting a photo of a celebrity baby incites a nationwide run on what it's wearing. [Wall Street Journal, 5-10-08] Workplace Culture: Salesman Chad Hudgens filed a lawsuit in January against his former Salt Lake City employer, charging that the boss and a "motivational trainer" used, as a "team-building" exercise, what was essentially the controversial "torture" practice of "waterboarding." The boss allegedly said that if salesmen tried as hard to close deals as they're trying to breathe during the simulated drowning, sales would soar. [Salt Lake Tribune 2-27-08] British office worker Theresa Bailey, 43, was awarded the equivalent of about $10,300 by a court in Ashford, England, in May after she complained of sexual harassment by her otherwise-all-male direct-marketing team at Selectabase company. Among the "laddish" behavior was her boss's regularly "lift(ing) his right cheek" and expelling gas in her direction. [Daily Mail (London), 5-15-08]
Bright Ideas Most Convoluted Business Plan: Adolfo Martinez, 33, and Mark Anderson, 26, were indicted for fraud in Las Cruces, N.M., in April, accused of passing forged checks. The men's plan was to buy Domino's pizzas with the checks, then have one of the men put on a Pizza Hut shirt and resell the pizzas, by the slice, in a local park or at stores (even though the pizzas were still being carried around in the Domino's boxes). [Las Cruces Sun-News, 4-29-08] Triumph International, the Japanese women's underwear company, released its latest publicity-seeking creation in May: the solar-powered bra, with enough exposed panels to power an iPod or cell phone. Other Triumph specials include a baseball bra (with fielder's-mitt-shaped cups) and a heated bra (with microwavable gel pads to warm the cups). [Reuters, 5-14-08] Joe Weston-Webb, formerly a carnival showman but who now runs a flooring company in Nottinghamshire county, England, told reporters in March that he was exasperated at crime in the area and his inability to legally use enough force to protect his property, and that he had pulled two pieces of non-lethal equipment out from the old days to shoot at criminals: a 20-foot-long cannon, formerly used for firing his wife across the River Avon (now loaded with rubber-tipped projectiles) and a 30-foot-high catapult (now loaded with chicken droppings from a nearby farm). Said Weston-Webb, "(T)he only people who seem to be against what I'm doing are the police." [Daily Mail (London), 3-5-08]
First Things First A supervisor at the Montana Department of Public Health and Human Services told a Billings Gazette reporter in March that some of his employees were complaining that new computers delivered to the office lacked games like solitaire, hearts and Minesweeper, and that it wasn't fair that employees with older computers still had the games. [Billings Gazette-AP, 3-31-08] The traffic commander of the Rusafah district in Baghdad told his officers in April to start enforcing the country's seat-belt laws. The fine is the equivalent of about $12.50. [New York Times, 4-17-08]
News of the Tacky The leader of the Liberal Party in the Australian state of Western Australia said in April that he would not resign even though an accusation against him was true: that at a party staff meeting in December 2005, when a female colleague got out of her chair, he playfully moved over and sniffed it. [Agence France-Presse, 4-29-08] The Missouri Supreme Court suspended the law license of David A. Dalton II in March for allegedly arranging leniency, with a prosecutor, for one of his clients in exchange for the client's having her godfather, retired football star Terry Bradshaw, autograph a baseball for him. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 3-27-08]
People With Issues In May, a New York appeals court rejected a lawsuit by the former mistress of prominent married rabbi Joel Goor, 75, that claimed he would owe her a $125,000 cash settlement if he broke up with her. The court said it was a contract that facilitated adultery and therefore was not enforceable, even though there were several non-adultery-related provisions. According to the New York Post, the contract called for the woman to receive a half-interest in Goor's house in the Bronx if she would "join Joel in his cultural experiences without complaining," get liposuction and "attempt with Joel's delicate guidance to speak English properly." [New York Post, 5-8-08]
Least Competent People At One With Nature: Cameron Fritzson, 20, landed in the hospital in critical condition in May after he scaled first the outer, 10-foot fence at an electrical substation in Pembroke Pines, Fla., and then the main electrical tower, where his arm brushed against a live wire. Police said Fritzson was after a parakeet's nest at the top so he could sell the eggs to a pet store for as much as $20 each. [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 5-12-08] Sixteen people were undergoing treatment for possibly having rabies in May in Hilton Head, S.C., after exposure to a baby raccoon later discovered to be rabid. While some of the 16 had merely cuddled it, an unknown number apparently could not resist kissing the wild animal on the lips. [Kansas City Star-McClatchy Newspapers, 5-8-08]
Update Last year News of the Weird reported on an organic art project, "Victimless Leather," in which artists Oron Catts and Ionat Zurr attempted to grow embryonic stem cells of a species onto an artificial platform, in this case creating leather from mouse cells without the need to kill cows. However, in the latest demonstration of the project, at New York City's Museum of Modern Art this spring, the exhibit apparently grew so rapidly that it overwhelmed the space available, and curator Paola Antonelli said she was forced to kill the organism. She told the Art Newspaper that it was a difficult decision. "I've always been pro-choice, and all of a sudden I'm here not sleeping at night about killing a coat." [The Art Newspaper, 5-1-08]
Instant Karma A 31-year-old man was hospitalized in critical condition in Salt Lake City, hit by cars after running into traffic to avoid paying for a taxi ride he had just taken (March). [Salt Lake Tribune, 3-10-08] A 25-year-old man, pursued by police after he tried to run down his girlfriend with his car, fled on foot across Interstate 45 near Houston, but was struck and killed by cars (February). [Houston Chronicle, 2-15-08] Two men who stole a kayak and went joyriding on Moon Lake near New Port Richey, Fla., drowned when the boat capsized (March). [St. Petersburg Times, 3-30-08] Thanks This Week to Jeff Berg, Jessica McRorie, Raul Stone-Cousley, Mindy Cohen, Stephen Taylor, and John Smith, and to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Geoffrey Egan, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and the News of the Weird Editorial Advisors (Paul Blumstein, John Cieciel, Harry Farkas, Fritz Gritzner, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Rob Snyder, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle). (And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.) COPYRIGHT 2008 CHUCK SHEPHERD © 2006 uclick, L.L.C. Copyright © 2008 Universal Press Syndicate
Today's World!Policemen To Remove Erotic Pin-ups From Offices -- Their Offices!
DROBETA TURNU SEVERIN, Romania -- It looks like morale will drop in the Drobeta Turnu Severin Police Department, Voyeurwebbers.Policemen in the Romanian town have been told to remove erotic posters and pictures from their offices. The order came from the heads of police in Drobeta Turnu Severin, Mehedinti county, after a local newspaper report. The newspaper complained about policemen who "spent their time admiring naked women in the posters instead of focusing on solving murders or frauds". An unnamed local police officer said: "I don't think it was a matter of crucial importance and definitely not something that the media should have written about."After all, these men were just clearing their eyes from time to time and their offices were not public," he said.-- Well, it looks like bad news for the policemen in Drobeta Turnu Severin, Voyeurwebbers. Their morale is sure to plummet just like the "pup tents" of an audience at a stag film when they found out the movie was about deer, hehehe! Not to worry officers, your friend Igor is here with a sensible solution to this morale-diminishing problem. Don't mess with pin-ups on the wall, they're way too retro anyway. Nope, you need to upgrade your police department offices with computers and then get everyone inexpensive memberships to VW's sexplicit RedClouds and/or HomeClips sextions. Yep, in between fighting crime you'll have thousands of new e-pin-ups to "clear your eyes" every day and, if any reporters come along, a quick click of a button makes the e-pin-ups vanish like magic. What? Why are you looking at me like that, Voyeurwebbers? I'm just trying to improve the morale of these hard-working officers. Look, somebody's got to do it. Hehehe! -- Igor
Eye On... Upskirts by K.There is an odd upskirt story out of Sweden, Voyeurwebbers, with an equally odd result. The story began when a woman, 39, was browsing in a sporting goods store outside of Stockholm. The woman had her young daughter with her and at first thought her daughter was joking when she told her mother a man was pointing a cell phone up her skirt. The woman then spotted the man but when she caught up with him, he tried to run away -- unsuccessfully. The man turned out to be a security guard at the sporting goods store. He confessed to recording the video and faced a charge of sexual molestation. It seemed like an open and shut case.Then things got a little strange.The man reportedly was let off the hook because -- are you ready for this? -- the woman was unaware he was recording her. "Very strange," said the woman. "I thought that he stood there to stop such things from happening in the first place." The prosecutor in the case is considering an appeal, according to Swedish news reports. While Eye enjoys a good consensual upskirt view as much as the next guy, this is still a very disconcerting case. First, who let the security guard off the hook after he confessed? Second, unless the woman had eyes in her derrier, how could she possible have been "aware" this guy was shooting a video up her skirt on his cellphone? And third, will we ever get to see the video? Alas, so many questions and no answers, Voyeurwebbers. K.Eye hastens to point out that any opinions expressed in this column are entirely his own and are neither those of Voyeurweb nor its management. K. Photo Contest: Special Awards at our Sites Bad HumorBlond Joke No. 127
A blonde entered a sex shop and asked for a vibrator. "They're all over there, on the wall," the clerk told her. The blonde looked over the assortment on the wall and suddenly said, "Ooh! I want that red one!" The clerk replied, "Sorry, lady, I can't sell you that one. It's my fire extinguisher!"
Today in Rotten History Jun 1 1571 The "Triple Tree" gallows is installed at Tyburn, England in time for the execution of John Storey, who is hanged, drawn, and quartered for committing treason. The Triple Tree consists of an equilateral triangle nine feet long on each side, 18 feet off the ground. It can hang as many as 24 prisoners at once, and will remain in place for almost 200 years. Jun 1 1660 After having received a last-minute reprieve seven months earlier, Mary Dyer is hanged for heresy after returning to Boston. Dyer was a member of the Quakers, a subversive religious sect which had been banned by the Puritan colony under "pain of death." Jun 1 1926 Gladys Baker gives birth to Norma Jeane Mortenson in Los Angeles. Jun 1 1967 The Beatles officially release their new album, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, in both mono and stereo versions. Jun 1 1968 Helen Keller -- America's all-time favorite deaf, dumb, and blind Socialist -- finally dies in Westport, Connecticut at the age of 87. Jun 1 2001 In just two minutes, Nepal's royal family is nearly exterminated by one of its own. With a selection of machine guns, Crown Prince Dipendra massacres eight relatives, including King Birendra and Queen Aishwarya. He then turns the gun on himself. Even though Dipendra winds up comatose in a hospital bed, a government council crowns him king anyway. The new monarch dies three days later. Jun 1 2006 The Department of Homeland Security decides that New York has "no national monuments or icons" and anti-terrorism funding is reduced by $83 million. Instead, the money is distributed to fly-over states like Nebraska and Kentucky. Yesterday in Rotten History May 31 1889 Relentless rain and inadequate maintenance causes the South Fork Dam to fail, unleashing a 35-foot-high wall of water on Johnstown, Pennsylvania. Then 2,209 people are entombed beneath a pile of debris half a mile wide. May 31 1921 After a white woman claims that a black man had grabbed her arm in an elevator, the largest race riot in U.S. history breaks out in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Marauding whites set fire to the exclusively-negro Greenwood district, leveling its 35 city blocks of black-owned businesses. The official death toll is reported as 36, but later historians estimate it was more like 300. May 31 1962 For crimes against humanity, the nation of Israel hangs Nazi war criminal Adolf Eichmann in Ramleh prison. He is later cremated and his ashes scattered in the Mediterranean Sea, outside the territorial waters of the Jewish state. May 31 1963 Nun Nu Thanh Quang, a Buddhist monk, immolates himself at the Dieu de Pagoda in Hue, Vietnam. May 31 1996 Timothy Leary dies quietly in his sleep, thereby failing his intended mission of suiciding live on the Internet. On a brighter note, a longstanding Moody Blues prophecy is fulfilled. May 31 2005 Actor Christian Slater is arrested in New York City after a woman complains of ass-grabbery to police. Slater denies everything and is charged with third-degree sexual abuse. Wait there's more May 30 1431 Joan of Arc is burned at the stake in Rouen, France for relapsing into heresy. After having signed a confession a week earlier, Joan appeared in court wearing difformitate habitus -- degenerate apparel -- or more precisely, men's clothing. May 30 1593 After a night of drinking, Elizabethan playwright Christopher Marlowe is killed in the boarding house of Eleanor Bull. The official determination is that Ingram Frizer stabbed Marlowe in the head while they were fighting over the bill. May 30 1942 Returning home from a night of drinking and reminiscing about the recent death of John Barrymore, movie star Errol Flynn flips on the lights and is horrified to discover Barrymore's corpse propped up in a living room chair. Some of Flynn's friends had given a funeral director $200 to borrow the body for a couple of hours. May 30 1961 After a group of armed men ambushes the Chevrolet carrying Rafael Trujillo, the Dominican dictator attempts to bargain with them. He is shot five times point-blank, and dies face down in the street.
May 30, 2008 F P Z W J R, O Z H C T B F R W O F C V C O T Q N F P W L C U W P F R W E P X L O J B U C T, E P U I O T Q O T F R P U Q N T O X Q N U B C T, U N O Z O T Q F N Z Z C Z P S Z E C C W H C N Z, V C O T Q H N Z Z O P T N W C J R O T G P J G C B O T X P T Z C U G N W O P T, U C X R X J O T Q N T B Z P J N U C T C U Q R. - V J R W L C B N T T C U
THIS SUNDAY'S CRYPTOGRAMS ###################################################### 06/01/08A: ---------- ZPI QOWWIRZ CIRRYK O CIBUKIV DUYE GOIZKBE OR KYZ ZY ZUFRZ [YFU YXK] WYGIUKEIKZ RZBZIEIKZR. O PBV KY OVIB FKZOC ZPIK ZPBZ JYF MYFCV KYZ UICJ YK [ZPIE]. -- TBEIR X. DFCQUOWPZ ###################################################### 06/01/08B: ---------- MRG YF MYFV? RV ERZE JVZBOF PBGH VKVBCGOV. MRG YF XGMVBPNJ? RV ERZE SGKVBOF RYF XZFFYGOF. MRG YF BYLR? RV ERZE YF LGOEVOE. MRG YF ERZE? OGQGUC. -- QVOWZHYO PBZOTJYO ###################################################### 06/01/08C: ---------- O TRRHBVT NTRZH RFQK ZAVF DB HVVH BAV QDMAB. ECB ADL DF BAV YOTG OFY AV'QQ FVXVT NTRZ. D AOXV HVVF BAV QDMAB OFY D'L NTRZDFM. -- LCAOLLOY OQD ###################################################### 06/01/08D: [ZYPTOGRAM by CRYPTOPOP (PWiedman@nc.rr.com)] ---------- EBZX EFOMH FBZXC ZEOMHC. More info on ZYPS at this web page: http://www.freewebs.com/gidusko/cryptopop/zyps.htm Pete also has a BLOG at: cryptopop.blogspot.com ######################################################
Cryptograms for the week of...June 2-9, 2008 Topic: Week 23, 2008 1. QHIIHZA OPJH IT RPAA IET IHAIA VHWTZH IOHS NPY VH NQPAAHU PA BTTU: IOHS LMAI HKRZHAA IOH RHZATYPQDIS VTIO TW IOH EZDIHZ PYU TW IOH ZHNDRDHYI. --H. L. WTZAIHZ 2. HAXNR NZ HNTL DQL ZOAYS—DQAZL OQA UBBLUH DA ND, ZQUHH BLYNZQ WI ND. --ZUGKLH WKDHLY. HAXNR DUTLZ RUYL AV NDZLHV; UHH OL QUPL DA SA NZ DA HAAT UJS ZLL QAO ND SALZ ND. --HKSONX ONDDXLJZDLNJ 3. BY SV LJFQL B FS FTXGK JDKK; TCJ TK YXJ FEQFBN XE OQKFJYKLL: LXSK FQK TXQY OQKFJ, LXSK FRDBKGK OQKFJYKLL, FYN LXSK DFGK OQKFJYKLL JDQCLJ CIXY JDKS. --ABUUBFS LDFMKLIKFQK, JAKUEJD YBODJ 4. AEJFOIBU ZEI JGOW JAAJERVGPRPIU PG QJEC HOJRYIU. --YIGEW CZPUIE. TJ QYZR WJV HZG, QPRY QYZR WJV YZLI, QYIEI WJV ZEI. --RYIJTJEI EJJUILIOR 5. UY JCM FCK'Z OUDL HCGLZAUKP, VAXKPL UZ. UY JCM VXK'Z VAXKPL UZ, VAXKPL JCMQ XZZUZMFL. FCK'Z VCGWOXUK. --GXJX XKPLOCM 6. JKAQYRAQKO QZ UYULIACQON. IKX VRO FK ACU TKLD KH ATK EUKEBU, PXA IKX VRO'A PU ATK EUKEBU. --BUU QRVKVVR 7. ZAFQJDPGR PC DIZ NGXZV DG DIPRM QSZJVSK, DIZ NGXZV DG JQD XZSS PR DIZ XGVSA'C XGVM, JRA DIZ NGXZV DG JNNVZQPJDZ SPLZ. --UVPEIJB KGFRE 8. V'GZ DVHHZC DIMZ EUXL 9000 HUIEH VL DO QXMZZM. V'GZ PIHE XPDIHE 300 AXDZH. V'GZ NXVPZC IGZM XLC IGZM XLC IGZM XAXVL VL DO PVNZ. XLC EUXE VH SUO V HBQQZZC. --DVQUXZP KIMCXL 9. RPQ WASBTRQY VO F SAYAK. --BQRQY HYTWJQY. V HA KAR GQFY WASBTRQYO. V GQFY ZFWJ AG RPQS. --VOFFW FOVSAD 10. MHRWXF DJ XFH OPIGQNX IB CRA'J NRORNDXE XI XFDAU. --REA PRAG. XFH KQNU JXIOJ MDXF XFH YQE MFI JDYAJ XFH NFHNUJ. --PQOHPX CQPGINF
NEED A CLUE? # = 1 V = B 2 J = N 3 E = F 4 A = P 5 O = L 6 B = L 7 Q = C 8 O = Y 9 O = S 10 G = D
KNDBT MNBWGSNDW GSYEBJA ZLY GLWABG ZYAB WABG GSYEBT GAW KNDBND MNEBJA.
Here's a new CryptoQuip direct from our machines at www.wordles.com:YZ DHNXI PCTIX XLVZCAB VGVTI RALCP LDI GII DHRNX. XDI'X V NIVP ACBDLYVNI. And here is your hint:T = K Have fun!
Here's a new SwiftoCrypt direct from our machines at www.wordles.com:"B'F ZQDDQJ JQMQYD DOYD TPT IQTTYEQ," TYBF DPI JQIPJTQRCKKX. And here is your hint:X = Y Have fun!
5/31 PDWO PEFJ IOETIFL IBW HWBK TIOOWBFK, LDARFJ KAR LIK YDWK'BW AO YDWEB XWILY XWDIHEAB?
KNDBT MNBWGSNDW GSYEBJA ZLY GLWABG ZYAB WABG GSYEBT GAW KNDBND MNEBJA.
RO G XHDD SNGLE ESNLN RP LAAI XAL NTNLWESROF, GOB RO GO NIZEW SNGLE ESNLN RP LAAI XAL OAESROF. GOEAORA ZALJSRG
IN A FULL HEART THERE IS ROOM FOR EVERYTHING, AND IN AN EMPTY HEART THERE IS ROOM FOR NOTHING. ANTONIO PORCHIA
