Thursday, February 26, 2009

what do you know

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Todays Giggle ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Todays Giggle ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~~::
8 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password ::~
1. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
2. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
3. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
4. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."
6. You keep finding new software like CatinTax and WarCat II.
7. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
8. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

Seeking Help


Seeking Help
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall."Excuse me," said the man. "I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?""I have no idea, but any time I talk to a pretty young woman like you, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

Irish Police Learning To Spell 'Driver's License' In Polish

Irish Police Learning To Spell 'Driver's License' In Polish
BELFAST, Ireland -- Irish Police are learning to spell "driver's license" in Polish, Voyeurwebbers, all because of a little SNAFU (Situation Normal - All Fouled Up). Irish police were trying to find a Polish driver who apparently committed more than 50 driving offenses. The nefarious driver they were looking for turned out to be much more difficult to find than they had thought. There's a good reason for this.Police officers were puzzled at how the mysterious driver, Prawo Jazdy, had always produced his documents, proving he was legal immigrant in Ireland, but the documents always had a different address. Embarrassed officers then solved the case. They had mistaken the Polish word for "divers license" -- Prawo Jazdy -- for the driver's name. Thus, every time they pulled over a Polish driver with documents, they thought it was the same driver when, in fact, it was about 50 different drivers.An internal Garda (police) memo, reported in Irish newspapers, said officers taking details of Polish traffic offenders had been mistakenly using "Prawo Jazdy", printed in the top right corner of the driving license, as the holder's name."It is quite embarrassing to see the system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities," said the memo.A Garda spokesman declined to comment on the reports.
-- There are times, Voyeurwebbers, albeit rare times, when "no comment" is the best thing a person can say and, for Ireland's Garda, this was definitely one of those times, hehehe! They were looking for one person who committed 50 traffic violations and -- just because of a teensy-weensy little mistake, they ended up finding 50 drivers with only one violation each. Do you realize how difficult that is to do?! This one good thing about all this, though - you don't have to worry about making an embarrassing mistake when you visit any of VW's sexplicit sextions -- like Home Clips, Red Clouds, Funbags to mention a few -- because within seconds, maybe even nano-seconds, of arriving at any one of these sites, you'll realize that you're at the right place, at the right time and YOU are the right person. Hehehe! -- IgorEYE ON: Miss Atom by K.
"Ohh, THERE she is, Miss Atom 2009!"The radioactively hot babes who work in Russia's nuclear energy industry are toning up and getting into bikini-wearing shape, Voyeurwebbers. In case you're wondering what bikinis, hot babes and Russia's nuclear energy industry have in common, it's simple: It is time once again for the industry's Miss Atom beauty contest. This month the industry will crown the lucky woman who becomes Miss Atom 2009. The beauty pageant, now in its sixth year, is amply financed and has become well established. There have been no anti-nuclear protesters as the contests, no hooligans throwing tomatoes at the contestants. "We want to show the general public that the nuclear industry is an industry like any other," Ilya Platonov, who heads up Nuclear.Ru which runs the event, told reporters. "Ordinary people work in it, including young, attractive women."Platonov also admits that the pageant is also an image campaign aimed at dispelling the image of a dangerous and threatening nuclear power industry.The range of contestants for "Miss Atom 2009" runs from alpha to gamma. While some contestants look ... well ... ordinary, several are astonishingly beautiful. In their profile photos, the women sling themselves across cars and desks or strike sexy poses in front of machines and oceanscape backgrounds while others wear silly hats or simply sit at office desks.In their personal statements, the ladies divulge passions for activities such as dancing, growing cacti, travel, and sports. Some, like Julia Leonova, of Siberia, add a bit more flare: "I can be a tiger, who spreads fear with a flash of my teeth, or an eagle who flies free through the sky…I can play a hundred different roles -- but choose only those I like," she wrote.Hey! Wait just a darn minute here. This beauty pageant sounds a lot like Voyeurweb to Eye. Sexy, attractive women in skimpy outfits, posing on cars, desks, oceanscapes, machinescapes, you name it ... Omigosh, Voyeurwebbers, the Miss Atom contest is a rip-off of VW's contri sections and its contests! Of course, there are many fine attributes the women of Voyeurweb have that the Miss Atom contestants don't have ... for one thing, you don't have to spend a fortune to go to Russia to look at them, and for another, the beautiful ladies of Voyeurweb don't glow in the dark. K.
Eye hastens to point out that any opinions expressed in this column are entirely his own and are neither those of Voyeurweb nor its management. K.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Qualities of Leadership

Qualities of Leadership
Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

You might be an Accountant if...

You might be an Accountant if...
- you refer to your child as Deduction 214. - you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses". - you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store. - at the movie "Indecent Proposal" you did a NPV calculation. - getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long. - your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card. - you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year. - you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".

Translation and Advertising

Translation and Advertising
- Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick." - The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" - An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). - Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. - Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." - The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth." - When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"

At The Pub

At The PubTwo Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dyin'."

Study: Men, Women Go To Hell For Different Reasons

Study: Men, Women Go To Hell For Different Reasons
VATICAN CITY -- While we may all go to Hell eventually, Voyeurwebbers, a new study indicates that men and women will most likely not be taking the same route to get there.At least that was one of the findings of a study conducted for the Vatican by Father Roberto Busa, a 95-year-old Jesuit scholar. This is because men and women sin in different ways -- women are prouder than men, but men are more lustful. Father Busa based his conclusions on a study of confessions by Catholic men and women.The survey found the most common sin for women was pride, while for men the urge for food was only surpassed by the urge for sex. The Pope's personal theologian backed up the report, in the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano. "Men and women sin in different ways," wrote Monsignor Wojciech Giertych, theologian to the papal household. "When you look at vices from the point of view of the difficulties they create you find that men experiment in a different way from women."Monsignor Giertych said the most difficult sin for men to face was lust, followed by gluttony, sloth, anger, pride, envy and greed.For women, the most dangerous sins were pride, envy, anger, lust, and sloth, he added.
-- What the devil? How come Lust is only in 4th place with women? C'mon, Lust, you can do better than that. Quit hanging out with Sloth so much, dammit! Get out there and show women what they're missing! Hehehe! What an intriguing study for the Vatican to release, Voyeuwebbers. Interesting as hell, though. Who'd have thought that most men may go to Hell for lust ... Okie, all of us would have ... but most women for pride? I mean, women have every reason to be proud, but very few of the women I've met ever seemed proud, in the negative sense. You can check it out for yourselves, Voyeurwebbers, just by going to our galactically huge archive, Funbags, where you'll find tens of thousands of photos of women from all over the world, each lovely in her own way, each sexy -- Woof!! -- in her own way, but none revealing anything remotely resembling excessive pride ... well, except maybe a few dominatrix pics, but they were just role-playing, hehehe! -- IgorEYE ON: Robots by K.
It's not exactly cloning, Voyeurwebbers, but for a mere $2,500 you can now have a replica of yourself made. It looks like you and it even sounds like you. It's just ... well ... it's just a bit smaller than you. It's a tailor-made robot called a "Mini-Me", taken no-doubt from the Austin Powers movies. The Mini-Mes are made by Japanese robotics firm and toy company Little Island and are created in a technology center just north of Tokyo. The firm's officials claim they can create a tiny likeness of anyone - even replicating the sound of their voice.Customers place their $2,500 order and simply submit a photo of the person they'd like their new toy to resemble. After a mere six-month "gestation period", their very own Mini-Me will turn up on their doorstep.The robots can be taught to sound like the customer via an in-built microphone, and computer and voice recognition software.They are also equipped with 80 gigabytes of storage and a webcam.The advanced version can even download the latest news and weather and then read back the reports - in your voice. So you don't necessarily need to have a Mini-Me made to your likeness. You can send in a photo of anyone and have it made in their likeness? Anyone? Like maybe Scarlett Johansen or Salma Hayek or that woman who does the Cadillac commercial and says "When you turn on your car, does it return the favor?" Cool! Regrettably, Voyeurwebbers, Eye will have to pass on getting a Salma Hayek Mini-Me until the per unit price comes down a bit ... like, say ... reducing the price by $2,475. K.
Eye hastens to point out that any opinions expressed in this column are entirely his own and are neither those of Voyeurweb nor its management. K.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

WEEK OF FEBRUARY 22, 2009

WEEK OF FEBRUARY 22, 2009
LEAD STORYThough India is recognized as a world leader in promoting the health benefits of urine, its dominance will be assured by the end of the year when a cow-urine-based soft drink comes to market. Om Prakash, chief of the Cow Protection Department of the RSS organization (India's largest Hindu nationalist group), trying to reassure a Times of London reporter in February, promised, "It won't smell like urine and will be tasty, too," noting that medicinal herbs would be added and toxins removed. In addition to improved health, he said, India needs a domestic (and especially Hindu) beverage to compete with the foreign influence of Coca-Cola and Pepsi. [The Times, 2-11-09]
Government in Action
After 50 years' separation following their adoptions by separate families, identical twins Rosabelle Glasby of Australia and Dorothy Loader of Malaysia were reunited in September 2008 after a years-long search by Glasby, and she applied to bring Loader to Australia under the country's family migration policy. However, in January, the Department of Immigration and Citizenship ruled that, under the law, Loader is not related to Glasby (in that the adoption wipes out birth status). [Perth Now, 1-17-09]
Change We Can Believe In: In December, the city council in Brighton, Mich., passed an ordinance making it illegal for anyone to be "annoying" in public, "by word of mouth, sign or motions." Violators can be ticketed and fined. [Detroit News-AP, 12-19-08]
States That Need Better Training in Arithmetic: Two Maryland officials (reportedly new on the job) made a simple error in addition in 2007 (in estimating counties' property values) that was revealed in January 2009 to have cost state offices $31 million in overpayments, according to a Washington Post report. [Washington Post, 1-12-09]
In October, the Dallas school district was forced to lay off 375 teachers to ameliorate an $84 million deficit caused by a massive math error in the budget, according to a report by WFAA-TV. [CNN, 10-17-08]
Earlier, He Could've Gotten a Mortgage, Too: In a December test of the laxness of New York City's property-ownership office, a New York Daily News reporter walked out of the city's register of deeds with title to the $2 billion Empire State Building. His fake purchase document, with a fake notary public stamp and a fake "witness" signature (of "Fay Wray," star of the original "King Kong"), took 90 minutes to convert to an official deed, which of course came as a great surprise to Empire State Land Associates, to whose shocked representative the reporter "returned" the property the next day. [New York Daily News, 12-2-08]
Police Report
The campus police chief of Colorado State University, Dexter Yarbrough, also teaches a criminology class, during which he gives a flavor of real police work (since he's a former Chicago cop). According to audio recordings of his lectures reported in January by the campus newspaper The Collegian, Yarbrough acknowledged that police sometimes have to "lie" and "cut corners" and "beat (the) ass" of a suspect if they "deserve" it. Sometimes, a confidential informant gets paid off with police-seized drugs, but only after being warned, "(H)ey, if you get caught with this, you know, don't say my name." Most unenlightened of all was Yarbrough's characterization of some rape victims: "(E)ven when (women) say 'no,' (t)hey want the dick." [Rocky Mountain Collegian, 1-20-09]
Police in Holland Township, N.J., removed three kids from the home of Heath and Deborah Campbell in January at the behest of the state Division of Youth and Family Services. The kids are 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell and his 1-year-old sisters, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. The family was also in the news in December when their local ShopRite supermarket bakery refused to make a birthday cake with little Adolf's name on it. [Express-Times (Easton, Pa.), 1-14-09, 12-14-08]
News That Sounds Like a Joke
Michael Reed, 50, was charged with attempted robbery of Eddie's Fried Chicken in Fort Worth, Texas, in December. He was armed only with a tree branch and was quickly neutralized by a 56-year-old employee, who grabbed a broom, and the men proceeded to duel until Reed dropped his branch and fled (but was arrested nearby). [Dallas Morning News, 12-19-08]
The Happy Egg Company (Lincoln, England) altered the packaging in January for its six-egg cartons to include the prominent warning, "Allergy Advice: Contains Egg." [Daily Mail (London), 1-24-09]
People Different From Us
The Northwest Florida Daily News reported the arrest of a woman for trespassing in December in Mary Esther, Fla., after she was reluctant to leave a neighbor's porch. According to the newspaper, she eventually "left ... in anger, knocking over a dryer ... in the front yard." [Northwest Florida Daily News, 12-24-08]
Robert Blue, 53, was arrested in Las Vegas in January and charged with chaining his 15-year-old daughter to her bed at night to keep her from eating. Blue told police that the girl weighs 165 pounds, but that he wanted her at 145, which he said is her ideal fighting weight for mixed martial arts. [KVVU-TV (Las Vegas), 1-20-09]
Least Competent Criminals
A masked man escaped in December after trying unsuccessfully to rob the Washman carwash in Portland, Ore. In the middle of the job, the man's gun literally broke apart and fell to the ground. As he continued to demand money, it became clear why robbing a carwash is tricky. The employee grabbed the nearest tool, which was the wand of a pressure washer (2,000 pounds per square inch) and hosed the robber, sending him fleeing. [KGW-TV (Portland), 12-30-08]
Recurring Themes
Texas "Justice": As far as the state of Texas is concerned, Andre Thomas, 25, was and is sane and was and is competent to assist his lawyers. Thomas was convicted of murdering his wife and two kids in 2004 after a judge ruled him competent despite the fact that after the killings, Thomas had carved out the victims' hearts, put them in his pocket, and later tossed them in the garbage. In addition, before trial, Thomas had plucked out his right eye and eaten it. In October 2008, Texas' highest criminal court upheld the conviction and sentence, endorsing the trial judge's view of Thomas' sanity. In January 2009, on death row in Livingston, Texas, Thomas plucked out his left eye and ate it. [Houston Chronicle-AP, 1-9-09]
Now, Which One Is the Brake? (all-new)
Elderly drivers' recent lapses of concentration, confusing the brake pedal with the gas (or "drive" with "reverse"): Former Texas Supreme Court Justice Joe Greenhill, 94, crashed into a restraining wall in downtown Austin, nearly winding up in Lady Bird Lake (December). [Austin: American-Statesman, 12-3-08]
A 90-year-old woman, driving her brand-new Dodge Challenger, rammed a pole while turning left in Pompano Beach, Fla. (October). [Pompano: WPLG-TV (Miami), 10-13-08]
An 83-year-old man drove through his garage wall and continued on about 70 yards in Lycoming Township, Pa. (September). [Lycoming: Williamsburg Sun Gazette, 9-26-08]
An 83-year-old man drove 50 feet into Big 5 Sporting Goods Store in Milwaukie, Ore. (December). [Milwaukie: Clackamas County Sheriff's Office, 12-1-08]
An 82-year-old man crashed his SUV into a tree on a Pittsburgh golf course after zigzagging out of control across the fairway (September). [Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 9-24-08]
An 82-year-old man crashed into a group of Cub Scouts lining up for a Christmas parade (injuring 12) in Dallas (December). [Dallas: Houston Chronicle-AP, 12-2-08]
A News of the Weird Classic (May 1997)
In April 1997, Russian performance artist Oleg Kulik opened a two-week New York City show, "I Bite America and America Bites Me," in which he stayed in character as a dog, on all fours, from the time his plane landed in New York until the moment he left town. Kulik holed up in a gallery cage wearing only a dog collar and exhibiting dog behaviors and emotions, and visitors could enter the cage to play with him only after putting on protective padding in case Kulik bit them. Kulik had been arrested in three countries for biting his audience. (A Paris gallery owner has called Kulik "a great intellectual" whose art is rooted in the downfall of communism in Russia.) [New York Times, 4-18-97]
Thanks This Week to David Melcher, Alice Sullivan, Tom Barker, Nate Tracy, Stephen Taylor, Mindy Cohen, Sandy Pearlman, Rick Zehr, H.Thompson, Jon Doughtie, Candy Clouston, Billy Ray, and Mark Svevar, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
(And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE---->
© 2008 UCLICK, L.L.C. Copyright © 2009 Universal Press Syndicate

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Avoid Anderson, Indiana, Guys - 'She' Is There!


Avoid Anderson, Indiana, Guys - 'She' Is There!
ANDERSON, Indiana -- If you're thinking of making a cross-country drive through the U.S., Voyeurwebbers, you might want to plan detour around Anderson, Indiana. It's not that Anderson isn't a nice town, it's a great town. It's that ... well ... 'she' is there.'She' is 68-year-old Linda Lou Taylor, who holds the current Guinness World Record as the most most married woman in history -- she has been married 23 times.Word recently leaked out of Anderson that Linda Lou, who has been single for the 12 years since marriage 23 ended, has not ruled out getting married again.Of her previous marriages, Taylor said two of her husbands turned out to be gay, two ended up homeless, a few cheated on her, one choked her and another padlocked the refrigerator shut."It's easy to sum up," Taylor said of her oft-married life. "When I was younger I was just a snot-nosed kid but the neighborhood boys were all in love with me. They all wanted to marry me."Despite her 23 failed marriages and being single for the past dozen years, Taylor has not ruled out future matrimony."I would get married again," she told reporters, "because, you know, it gets lonely."
-- Well, I hope Ms. Taylor has become a better judge of character since marriage 23 ended, Voyeurwebbers. I can see why she stopped for 12 years, hehehe! But, if you don't want to be involved in marriage 24, I recommend a little detour around Anderson to VW's sexplicit Home Clips sextion. Think of it as a drive-in theater. You get nekkid, get in your computer chair, and "drive-in" to your keyboard -- don't forget to grab your "mouse" -- then find Home Clips on our menu page and use that other mouse to click on it. Hehehe! -- Igor
EYE ON: Science & Sex by K.
You know how women are always complaining that men treat them like objects, Voyeurwebbers? Well, according to some high-tech scientific research, the women are right ... unless the woman happens to be the man's spouse or significant other, then they're wrong. The results of the new research were presented this week by Susan Fiske, professor of psychology at Princeton University, at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.Interestingly, her research showed that, in men, the brain areas associated with handling tools and the intention to perform actions light up when viewing images of women in bikinis.That easy to explain, Voyeurwebbers. When a guy sees a woman in a sexy bikini or sexy panties and bra, he instinctively tries to think of the right tool to help unhook that bra in record time. ... Ahem ... Eye hopes you're not really buying into that. You're not are you? Eye just made that up. "This is just the first study which was focused on the idea that men of a certain age view sex as a highly desirable goal, and if you present them with a provocative woman, then that will tend to prime goal-related responses," Dr. Fiske told reporters.The good news on this for guys is that Dr. Fiske's research indicates we males may be blameless for this "seeing women as objects" thing. This behavior in males, it turns out, is a by-product of evolution. Experts say the first male humans had to seek fertile women to spread their genes. "They're not fully conscious responses, and so people don't know the extent to which they're being influenced," said Fiske. "It's important to recognize the effects."Men also remember the scantily clad women's bodies better than those of fully-clothed women, said Fiske. Each image was shown for only a fraction of a second.In another interesting, and somewhat alarming, part of the research, 21 heterosexual male undergraduates at Princeton responded to questionnaires to determine whether they harbor "benevolent" sexism, which includes the belief that a woman's place is in the home, or hostile sexism, a more adversarial viewpoint which includes the belief that women attempt to dominate men. In the men who scored highest on hostile sexism, the part of the brain associated with analyzing another person's thoughts, feelings and intentions was inactive while viewing scantily clad women, said Fiske. A supplementary study on both male and female undergraduates found that men tend to associate bikini-clad women with first-person action verbs such as I "push," "handle" and "grab" instead of the third-person forms such as she "pushes," "handles" and "grabs." They associated fully clothed women, on the other hand, with the third-person forms, indicating these women were perceived as in control of their own actions. The females who took the test did not show this effect, said Fiske, adding, that goes along with the idea that the man looking at a woman in a bikini sees her as the object of action. There are several other findings of merit in Dr. Fiske's research, Voyruwebbers. And even though Eye had a little fun with this, it seems that Dr. Fiske is developing some potentially useful data. Also, Eye should mention that he first came across Dr. Fiske's research in a very good article by a CNN reporter. Eye will never look at a woman in a bikini the same way again ... Oops! Almost forgot, Eye can't control that, it's in my genes. K.
Eye hastens to point out that any opinions expressed in this column are entirely his own and are neither those of Voyeurweb nor its management. K.
So It Is Written A priest was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning. He said to the congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for everything. The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one time or another, been in the same situations you have." "Even PMS?" a woman asked. "Yes, I assure you, PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it and tell you the passage at Mass next week."So everyone goes home, and the priest is looking for the passage and Sunday comes around. He gets in front of the congregation and begins his Homily in Mass. "People, I have found the passage in the Bible referring to PMS.""Really, Father? Where?" the lady asked."It's right here in this passage where it says, 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem'."Editor: Amen ... hehehe!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

WEEK OF FEBRUARY 15, 2009


WEEK OF FEBRUARY 15, 2009
LEAD STORY
One Industry That Needs No Stimulus: Drug officials in California's Mendocino, Humboldt and Trinity counties (north of San Francisco) estimated in January that two-thirds of the area's economy is based on probably illegal marijuana farming (illegal under federal law, but permitted for medical use by the state). One federal agent told MSNBC, "Nobody produces any better marijuana than (they) do right here." [MSNBC, 1-22-09]
In January, the director of the United Nations Office of Drugs and Crime acknowledged that during the bleak banking days of September and October 2008, with panic in the economy over the shortage of cash, often the main source available to some banks was drug dealers' steady deposits of money to be laundered. [International Herald Tribune-Reuters, 1-25-09]

The Continuing Crisis
Community Property: As part of a highly contentious New York divorce, surgeon Richard Batista, who in good times had donated a kidney to his wife, demanded in January that she either give it back or compensate him with $1.5 million in consideration of the rarity of his kidney match. [WCBS-TV, 1-7-09]
Also in January, Thomas Rowley, 28, went on trial in Victorville, Calif., for his allegedly more direct approach two years ago after he and his girlfriend split. According to prosecutors, Rowley said that since he had paid for her breast implants, he felt entitled to recover them, allegedly by carving them out of her body (and consequently was charged with attempted murder). [Victorville Daily Press, 1-27-09]
Intimate Health Care: A sex-education advocacy organization in Sweden complained in November about the government's program that, finally after years of resistance, provides prosthetic penises to newly transgendered males. The policy was nonetheless termed unfair because the devices are cosmetic only and do not "work." (Regulations prohibit taxpayer money for "sexual aids.") [The Local (Stockholm), 11-8-08]
In October, five employees of the health-care provider New Zealand Care resigned when the company ordered them to provide (as routine service to developmentally disabled patients who request it) assistance in masturbating. [Nelson (N.Z.) Mail, 10-21-08]
Episcopal priest Gregory Malia, 43, of Wilkes-Barre, Pa., buys top-dollar champagne at New York City nightclubs, even leaving five-figure tips and treating his favorite waitresses to shopping sprees, according to a December New York Daily News report. Said Malia (who is a hemophiliac and owns a pharmacy devoted to blood-disorder medicine), "I work hard. I make good money. How I spend it, that is my business." Waitresses interviewed by the Daily News said "Father Greg" is a sweetheart, never doing anything inappropriate, but exceedingly generous, whether alone or with business clients. Said one waitress, "A bad night for him is (a tip of) $5,000." [New York Daily News, 12-28-09]
Forbes magazine reported in December that state authorities were investigating Beverly Hills, Calif., plastic surgeon Alan Bittner over his claim that he had created diesel fuel for his and his girlfriend's SUVs out of liposuctioned fat from his patients. California law is said to prohibit using medical waste for such a purpose, but Bittner's claims came to light in patients' lawsuits over liposuction treatments, quoting Bittner as bragging about the biodiesel. Bittner wrote on one Web page (no longer online), "The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel, and I have more fat than I can use." [Forbes.com, 12-28-08]

Bright Ideas
London's Gymbox in Bank athletic club, recognizing that lifting weights can be a boring way to exercise, introduced "human barbells" recently, hiring five men of various sizes (including two dwarfs) that customers could use for weights instead of the iron. One advantage of the humans is that, on request, they shout encouragement to the customer with each lift. The largest of the five is a 37-year-old, 340-pound man. [Daily Telegraph, 1-22-09]
Walter Tessier was charged with one of the pettiest of petit larceny counts in January as sheriff's deputies in Amsterdam, N.Y., said he tried to defraud a Price Chopper store. Tessier had purchased a $10.99 lobster but returned it, claiming that it had turned "bad," and the store allowed him some crab meat in exchange, but employees discovered that the "lobster" was only its empty, carefully reconstructed shell that made it appear whole. Tessier then ran from the store but was arrested later at his home, where he had just finished the crab meat. [Albany Times Union, 1-20-00]

Family Values
The sheriff in El Dorado, Kan., asked in January for help from the public in locating a missing boy named Adam. According to the sheriff, Adam's parents, Doug and Valerie Herrman, only recently reported him missing, even though they had not seen him since he ran away in 1999, when he was 11. The Herrmans' attorney said that his clients were nonetheless "very worried about him." [CNN, 1-5-09]
Parenting Handful: Late last year, Jack Burt, 5, of a rural area near Darwin, Australia, admitted to his dad that he had been kicked off the school bus for bad behavior (including hitting the driver in the head with an apple), provoking the father to use the episode as a teaching opportunity, according to the Northern Territory News. For the five-day suspension, Dad would not reward Jack by driving him but would make Jack walk the 2 1/2-hour, seven-mile distance to school and back each day. On the first day after the suspension, Dad proudly helped Jack aboard the bus, hopeful of having instilled a new maturity. However, three stops later, Jack was kicked off again, for fighting. [Northern Territory News (Darwin), 11-28-08]

Recurring Themes
A Prosecutor's Worst Nightmare: At a dramatic moment in the November trial of a bus driver accused of rape in Edmonton, Alberta, the prosecutor asked the victim on the witness stand to look around the courtroom and identify her attacker. The victim adjusted her glasses and scanned the room, but looked past the defense table and pointed confidently to a man in the gallery later identified as a Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reporter, who in fact had nothing to do with the rape. (The judge allowed her a second chance, based on the volume of other evidence against the defendant, and she correctly identified him.) [Edmonton Journal, 11-27-08]
Apparent closure was reached in 2006 in a long-running News of the Weird story in which, for sexual thrills, a man periodically telephoned managers of fast-food restaurants and, pretending to be a police detective, persuaded the manager to strip-search one or more employees, supposedly to recover stolen merchandise, and to describe the search over the phone. In January, another man, John Brady, 49, was arrested and charged on New York City's Staten Island with telephoning women at random and instructing them to perform digital rectal exams on themselves, claiming that he was doing research on the digestive system. At least one woman complied. [Staten Island Advance, 12-17-08]

Least Competent Criminals
Life Imitates the Three Stooges: In January, inmates Regan Reti, 20, and Tiranara White, 21, who had been booked separately for different crimes on New Zealand's North Island and were handcuffed together for security at Hastings District Court, dashed out of the building and ran for their freedom. However, when they encountered a streetlamp in front of the courthouse, one man went to the right of it and the other to the left, and they slammed into each other, allowing jailers to catch up and re-arrest them. (A courthouse surveillance camera captured the moment, and the video has been a worldwide sensation.) [MSNBC-AP, 1-29-09]

A News of the Weird Classic (September 2003)
"Fool for a Client" 3; Prosecutors 0: Between June and August 2003, high school dropout Jonathan Harris, 34, acted as his own lawyer in three Philadelphia felony cases and won them all, including a murder trial that could have sent him to death row. He had two more potential trials upcoming and taunted the prosecutor about taking him on again. (The prosecutor blamed the murder acquittal on unreliable and no-show witnesses.) [Newsday-AP, 8-18-03]
Thanks This Week to Tom Barker, Emmitt Dove, Paul Vogt, Peter Hine, Pat Haggerty, Lyle Mariam, Leonard Dozois, Dave Shepardson, Nicholas Wells, Michael Ravnitzky, Greg Johnson, Sam Gaines, John Kearney, Richard Player, Richard Judkins, Duane Knight, Scott Lichtenberg, and Salim Virji, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
(And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK SHEPHERD
© 2009 UCLICK, L.L.C. Copyright © 2009 Universal Press Syndicate

18 FEB 2009


Man Gets Personalized Plate - And Lots Of Requests For Porn?
EAST MEADOW, New York -- There are 450,292 personalized-license-plate stories in the Nekkid City, Voyeurwebbers. The following is just one of them.Henry DeRossi, 78, of East Meadow, New York, said the plate on his Mercedes-Benz is a reference to his business, Expert Metal Slitters of Long Island City, N.Y., but the triple-X on the plate (XXX PERT) causes many to confuse him for a porn seller.The suburban New York man said: "You'd be surprised how many people stop me when I am at a light and want to buy porn."He told local news media the number of people confused by the plate has grown to the point where his auto dealer has him park the vehicle in a back lot when he brings it in for service.
-- WHAT THE ...?! He gets serviced in the rear? What's with that? Hehehe! I must admit, Voyeurwebbers, that I find it har ... er ... difficult to believe that a 78-year-old in this day and age didn't know a license plate with XXX PERT on it would lead to requests for adult entertainment. And if the car dealer any sense at all, he'd have left Mr. DeRossi's car parked out front, where people would see it and come in to ask about it ... or about something, hehehe! But enough of this. I think we should all head on over to VW's sexplicit RedClouds sextion, where all the ladies are lovely and you won't have to worry about getting moved to the rear ... unless, of course, it's your favorite position, hehehe! -- Igor
EYE ON: Kissing ... Again by K.
Eye is really starting to worry about the time-honored tradition and fun of kissing on the planet, Voyeurwebbers. First, kissing in public was banned in a province of India. The the Mexican city of Guanajuato banned public kissing until public outrage in Guanajuato and throughout Mexico, forced the city council to retreat on the issue. Now the Brits are trying to ban kissing in public. Even worse, they're trying to ban couples kissing goodbye at railroad stations as one of them prepares to leave for work. And it's not the British government or even the local government that is doing this. It was Virgin Trains and the Warrington Chamber of Commerce that did it. Do they even have the authority to ban kissing your spouse goodbye? If so, who gave it to them?Colin Daniels, chief executive of Warrington (England) Chamber of Commerce, told news media the signs were put up at the Warrington Bank Quay station as part of the station's recent remodeling after managers complained that amorous encounters were blocking foot traffic at the station.Station managers said amorous couples sharing passionate farewells or joyous reunions will have to keep their lip-locking limited to designated kissing areas."It was all a bit of fun. But now Virgin Trains have agreed to put them up as part of the refurbishment," said Daniels. "They may seem frivolous but there is a serious message underneath. They certainly make our station unique."Yep, uniquely silly, as Eye sees it. And Eye isn't alone on this either.A 21-year-old expressed doubts the signs would have much effect on commuters. "I don't think it'll stop people," she told a local newspaper.Eye thinks Virgin Trains and the Warrington Chamber of Commerce are off the track on the kissing issue, Voyeurwebbers. Of course, what can you expect from a train company named Virgin? This would never have happened if the company serving Warrington was called the "We've Got Some Experience" train company. What's next, banning soldiers and their partners from kissing at railroad depots as they go off to war? No! Clearly this kissing ban at the Warrington Bank Quay station must fail. Eye thinks this calls for a British commuter rebellion, Voyeurwebbers. Stand your ground Britons! And keep kissing your spouse or significant other or your pet dog or cat goodbye and hello at the Warrington Bank Quay station. Get creative, organize a mass kiss-in protest. K.
Eye hastens to point out that any opinions expressed in this column are entirely his own and are neither those of Voyeurweb nor its management. K.
Relevant AdviceGeorge looked worried when the doctor asked if anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes," answered George. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I can't remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what I was going to do once I get there -- if I get there! I need help. What should I do?" The doctor replied in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance!"