A (Joke) Threesome

A (Joke) Threesome

1. Man Talk

Three Catholic men were talking.
The first said, "My son is a priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second man piped in, "My son is a bishop; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Your Grace'."
The third man smiled. "My daughter is 6-feet tall with 38D breasts, a 24-inch waist, and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God!' "

2. More Bumper Stickers

1. The Proctologist called ... They found your head!

2. Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date.

3. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


3. Little Johnny Joke No. 1,497
One day, little Johnny got home from pre-school early and headed upstairs. As he walked by his parents' bedroom, he was surprised to see his parents naked on their bed, making love. Not wanting to traumatize the child, they continued what they were doing. Soon Johnny asked, "Daddy, can I climb on your back for a horsey ride?"
Dad thought a moment and replied, "I suppose so, son. After all, we are a family."
After he rode a while, his mother started writhing wildly.
"Hang on, Dad!" cried Johnny. "This is always where the mailman and I get bucked off!"




Strip Club Raises Money For Haiti
TOLEDO, Ohio, USA -- A strip club in Toledo, Ohio, has raised money to help the people of Haiti, Voyeurwebbers,
The club, Marilyn's on Monroe, raised almost $1,000 for victims of the earthquake that devastated Haiti by hosting a charity fund-raising event called "Lap Dances for Haiti". The club donated all of its $10 cover charges for one day to the International Services of Hope charity.
According to local news media, the name of the event was misleading because strip clubs are legal in Ohio but lap-dances are not.
Club manager Kenny Soprano said he had been considering a charity event to improve the club's reputation even before the Haiti earthquake. "We'd been racking our brains for about a month or so, thinking about what we could do," he said. "You don't hear much about strip clubs giving back to the community.
"It was pretty hard to find an organization that wants to deal with an adult entertainment establishment," said Soprano.
Linda Greene, CEO of International Services of Hope, said she was happy to accept the donation: "I don't have a problem with it," she said.




Weirdness by K.
The weirdest thing recently happened in the U.S. state of New Jersey, Voyeurwebbers; it even had allusions, or possibly illusions, to the movie "The Godfather", which would seem to be a fit in New Jersey ... and yet it doesn't fit at all.
Here's what happened: Robert Godman, 61, of Wenonah, New Jersey, apparently had a package delivered to a state senator named Stephen Sweeney. Sen. Sweeny was acting governor while Gov. Jon Corzine was on vacation. When staffers opened the package the were alarmed to find -- Eye hope's you're sitting down for this, Voyeurwebbers -- (Cue the organist!).... a plush toy horse's head!
Despite their shock, the staffers had the presence of mind to call in a bomb squad as a precaution.
According to one news report the incident appeared a likely allusion to the classic cinematic scene in "The Godfather," in which a horse's head was used as a death threat by the Mafia.
In the end, the plush toy horse's head was found to be ... a ... er ... umm ... plush toy horse's head.
Nonetheless, Mr. Godman was arrested at the home he shares with his parents and charged with harassment. New Jersey State Police said they were looking into whether Godman and the package are related to a recent series of letters and faxes.
"We take every interaction with our government officials seriously, at least of this nature," said a state police sergeant. "This was not just some benign communication."
Eye warned you this would be weird, Voyeurwebbers. And it leaves some interesting questions, for instance: If delivering a real, severed horse's head is considered a Mafia death threat, what does a plush toy horse's head mean in "Mafia-ese"? Is the mob going to put out a "cuddle" on you instead of a hit? And what did the state police sergeant mean when he said, "... at least of this nature"? It makes Eye wonder if New Jersey is being hit by a deluge of packages delivered with plush-toy animal parts. Actually, that does sound a little creepy.
As Eye sees it, Voyeurwebbers, it could be possible, though not probable, that Mr. Godman sent the wrong part of the plush toy horse to the good senator. He might have meant to send the plush toy horse's plush patootie instead. That way the message would be clear ... and no official in his or her right mind -- with the possible exception of New Jersey -- would want to launch a costly investigation into a plush toy horse's plush patootie, so that problem would be moot and tax dollars saved. K.

Even 2 More Quickies

Even 2 More Quickies

1. At The Car Dealership

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

2. Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.




Embedded Text Messages Ruin Relationship
WINNIPEG, Manitoba, Canada -- Maintaining a relationship can be difficult enough at times, Voyeurwebbers, but technology may now be making it even more difficult. Consider the case of a 49-year-old man in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, who recently bought a new Samsung Virgin Mobil phone.
Suggestive text messages embedded in a new cellphone cost the man his relationship when his girlfriend discovered them, said officials. The man, who didn't want to be identified, told the Winnipeg journalists his girlfriend of more than two years found the messages on the phone and a break-up fight ensued.
He said he didn't even know the Samsung Virgin Mobile phone was text-equipped, but the three messages that came with the phone cost him the relationship. They included "Booty call," "Where u at," and "Be there soon," according to news reports.
He said Virgin Mobile advised him to file a written complaint.
The man also showed the messages to staff at the Future Shop store where he bought the cellphone.
"At first, we didn't believe him," said a sales associate. "But when we looked at a couple of the same [model] phones he bought, and found they all had the same messages ... we all felt horrible."




Strip Clubs by K.
While freedom of expression and freedom of choice won a victory last week in the U.S. state of Maryland's Montgomery County, Voyeurwebbers, a few states southwest of Maryland efforts are being made to do just the opposite.
In Jefferson City, Missouri, members of the state Senate gave preliminary approval of legislation that may change the "show me" state, into the "don't show me" state.
The legislation would placing far-reaching restrictions on adult-entertainment businesses in Missouri, and may continue on a legislative fast track due to a federal investigation.
State Sen. Matt Bartle presented the bill on the Senate floor just two days after he appeared before a federal grand jury in Kansas City, Missouri, to answer questions about the defeat of a nearly identical bill in 2005.
To become law, legislation approved Thursday must be voted on once more in the Senate, passed through the state House and ultimately signed by the governor. But if successful, it would represent a sea change for adult-oriented businesses.
Among the legislation's provisions: Nudity would be banned in strip clubs. Semi-nude dancers would have to stay at least six feet away from and not touch patrons. Adult businesses would have to close between midnight and 6 a.m. and could not sell alcohol. Adult businesses could not be opened within 1,000 feet of a school, church, day-care facility, library, park, residence or another adult business.
If upheld in court, the law probably would shut down strip clubs and adult bookstores, said attorney Dick Bryant, who represents about a dozen adult entertainment businesses in the Kansas City area.
As Eye sees it, Voyeurwebbers, banning nudity in strip clubs violates the constitutional right to freedom of expression for the dancers, and violates freedom of choice for both the dancers and the club's customers, as does the proposed ban on selling alcohol in adult entertainment establishments. Eye also thinks the Missouri state legislature has more important issues to deal with these days than putting the employees of 12 local businesses out of work. K.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2010

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2010

　

　

Today's Cryptogram

Cryptogram for February 11 Below is today's love quote cryptogram (single letter substitution): ZY ZHV HJZRYGYL VKJJYVV QZU ZHV NRGYL QYNN, NHKWZYL UBFYP, HPL NUGYL CKJZ.....TYVVRY VFHPNYS Answer to yesterday's cryptogram: Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first..... Billy Sunday

　

(Hint: It's an inspirational quote or bit o' wisdom, with the name of the person who is credited as having said it.)

Cryptogram

"XJZV CAXRY OAX PGMY CX EGLZ
FMYGCZV QGJ YBYM GQALYBY
FMYGCZV." --MXNYMC E.
IYJJYPV

My Decoded Version

"---- ----- --- ---- -- ----
------- --- ---- -------
-------." -------- -.
-------

The Encrypted Letter
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
represents
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z -

A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	J	K	L	M
-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
3	2	5	0	2	2	6	0	1	4	0	2	6
N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z
-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
1	1	2	2	1	0	0	0	4	0	5	11	4

Reset

Yesterday's Cryptogram Answer, and Today's Quote of the Day, is:

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me." --Ann Landers

R XYK'B WRFP BY GJQAP CL MPAGYKQW WRTP...RB VYNWXK'B DP MPAGYKQW RT R GJQAPX RB

ZPYAZP HWYYKPL

　

　

GFBK OV JDK CKGOTDJQAG OHJKSBYG EKJNKKH IKKJOHT Y EKYAJOQAG TOSG YHC COVUFBKSOHT JDYJ VDK GFFLV GOLK Y DYCCFUL

XFDH EYSSZIFSK

　

　

O SYDA NFP KLA ZYHC NU BSOTS HU MAAP YWA IFORAR, YLR PSYP OX PSA ZYHC KM AECAWOALTA. O QLKB LK BYU KM VFRIOLI PSA MFPFWA NFP NU PSA CYXP. FLQLKBL

Y8X8YHYYNYY82MFSJMKM23GM2Z4SVAJMMMHDFM1S5ZBVRV5CQF535ZG6TZQZUZVZ3ZC8XAGEG8Y418YN4MPS8S2M197M2MPMRQUS231M2M2ZGV9Z2Z3ZKZ5ZJVQKTVW45M4Z5R3AQ92W78Z6X8Y3UMH3PA2MRD2MMM3S3MPM2SAM2HJVR3H61Z5MVZVTHV466V5ZJB5Y5M

I HAVE BUT ONE LAMP BY WHICH MY FEET ARE GUIDED, AND THAT IS THE LAMP OF EXPERIENCE. I KNOW NO WAY OF JUDGING THE FUTURE BUT BY THE PAST. UNKNOWN

　

2/11 ZX GXQ HKYAE HKS ZSLXRTJHYR ZXAESG JAZ TSVQIBYRJA SBSVKJAH RXQBZ IS RXACYZSTSZ VJTHG JAYLJBC?

Y868YHYYBYY82MFSJMKM2NGM2Z4SVAJMRMPDFM1S5ZBVRV5UQF535ZG6TZQZBZVZ3ZC8X9G4G8Y518YN4MPS8SRM397M2MPMRQUS231M2M2ZGV9Z3Z4ZKZ5ZJVQKTVG35M4Z5R3AQ9ZWM8Z6X8Y3UMH3PS2MRD2MMM3S3MPM2SAM2HJVR3R6UZ5MVZVTHV46665ZJB5Y5M

2/11 DO YOU THINK THE DEMOCRATIC DONKEY AND REPUBLICAN ELEPHANT COULD BE CONSIDERED PARTY ANIMALS?

　

Today's Crypto Number (2215) (Thursday)
RFH BHZBSH YFZ CVH VHNCVQHQ CW UZVCS STUJPCVJHW CVH RFZWH YFZ EZVHNZ ZVQJPCVD BSHCWTVHW RFHUWHSIHW CPQ EJPQ MZUBHPWCRJZP JP JPRHVEHVJPN YJRF RFH BSHCWTVHW ZE ZRFHVW.--LHVRVCPQ VTWWHSS
Hint: R=T

　

Yesterday's Answer Number(390) (Wednesday) BTLI TE AMWF Y GYH ZFYZ HNM GNMBR ENZ CI YAFYUIR ZN AIBB HNMK DYKKNZ ZN ZFI ZNGE VNAATD.--GTBB KNVIKA Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.--Will Rogers

　

　

Wordles Thought for the Day:

The man who has no inner life is a slave to his surroundings.
-henriFrederic Amiel

SPGW E HGFVJW HYEWV ZJ VQHGFICVG E ZFCH ZJ GQFJHG, SCYY PG JIGFVGE CZ?
Hint: G = E

http://libelreform.org/petition/submit.php

http://libelreform.org/petition/submit.php

~:: Why Men Are Never Depressed ::~

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can
wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to
a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is
your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have
to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work,
more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only
one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra
credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone
forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes
are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one
pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts
no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes!
No wonder men are happier.

Present For Husband

Present For Husband

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?""Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?""Which present?" She asked."The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!""Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

WEEK OF MAY 31, 2009

LEAD STORY

In a nondescript building next to a mosque in downtown Karachi, Pakistan, the Qadeer brothers discreetly make and market a million dollars' worth of fetish and bondage products a year for Americans and Europeans (through sales to stores and on eBay). In fact, if the radical Islamic office down the street knew about the Qadeers' work, they might be in trouble, according to an April New York Times dispatch, but fortunately, the gag balls, corsets and whips such as the "Mistress Flogger" are so odd for Pakistan that even the veiled women who sew them for the Qadeers do not understand that Americans use them for sex play. Customs officials, for example, were puzzled about how to categorize the items for tax purposes. "If our mom knew (the nature of our business)," said brother Adnan, "she would disown us." [New York Times, 4-28-09]
The Entrepreneurial Spirit!
Physician Geoffrey Hart, working with a grant from the National Institutes of Health, recently developed the Pedi-Sedate headgear to trick waiting-room kids into inhaling nitrous oxide while playing video games, thus knocking themselves out and, according to Hart's company, "dramatically improv(ing) the hospital or dental experience for the child, parents and healthcare providers." The helmet contains sophisticated sensors to monitor the dosages and effects on the child. [CNET News, 4-21-09]
Manliness: The Redneck Yacht Club opened in February near Naples, Fla., consisting of an 800-acre carefully designed mud pit that drivers pay $30 to frolic in with their own customized off-road vehicles. One mechanic told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune in April that he had spent $15,000 fixing up his rig, with 6-foot-high tires and a skull ornament. His review: "This place is kick-butt." [Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 4-2-09]
For Germany's fathers' day in May, the Panzer Fun Driving School in Germany's Brandenburg state suggested sending men off to drive one of its 13 Soviet armored vehicles (following a short class on the controls), and for an extra fee, patrons can ram their tanks over an old car. [Spiegel Online, 5-14-09]
Britons Sam Bompas and Harry Parr are revered chef-artists whose medium is the gelatin mold, with which they have created jelly models of, for example, London's St. Paul's Cathedral and a Madrid airport terminal, and who, for a New York customer, recently created orange-juice jelly inside some Compari jelly to produce a Compari-and-soda jelly. In April, the pair also opened a London bar, Alcoholic Architecture, in which vaporized gin and tonic saturate the air in equivalent strength of one gin-and-tonic drink for every 40 minutes of exposure. [New York Times, 4-16-09, 4-1-09]
Confusing Business Model: Patrick Ellison and Frank Mack, along with Edie Wells, were arrested in Dalton, Ga., in April after what police said was a joint venture in which alleged prostitute Wells knocked on a man's door and offered him sex, and when the man declined, Ellison and Mack arrived and forced the man to accept Wells' services. Following the sex, the three departed with the man's money and credit cards. [Dalton Daily Citizen, 4-29-09]
Weird Science
Good to Know: A case report in a recent issue of the journal Emergency Medicine Australasia described the successful removal of a leech from an eyeball. A 66-year-old woman, gardening in her back yard in Sydney, had accidentally flicked some soil into her eye. By the time a surgeon could extract the leech, it had roughly tripled its body size by feeding on the eyeball's blood vessels. (The key, by the way: a few drops of saline solution). [News.com.au-Australian Associated Press, 4-20-09]
In a recent journal article, researchers from the University of Whitwatersrand (South Africa) and the University of Sydney (Australia) reported that young male Augrabies lizards avoid older predatory males by, basically, cross-dressing (pretending to be female by suppressing their extravagant male coloration until they are fully developed and able to defend themselves). Thus, they avoid being attacked and, at the same time, increase their own freedom to hit on females. (They must still be careful, say the researchers, because the older males might whiff their male scent, which cannot be suppressed.) [Agence France-Presse, 3-3-09]
Leading Economic Indicators
In April, a manager at a Dean Health System clinic in Madison, Wis., received corporate instructions to "immediately" lay off 50 listed employees, and the manager (a 30-year nursing veteran) decided that that included pulling one RN out of a room in which she was assisting with surgery, leaving just a physician and lower-level staff members present. A clinic executive later called the manager's timing an error, but said there were no adverse consequences to the patient. [Wisconsin State Journal, 4-13-09]
Things People Believe
Ms. Indra Ningsih, a 26-year-old maid, was detained by a court in Hong Kong in April after her employer accused her of spiking her vegetable soup with menstrual blood. According to a report of the case in Hong Kong's The Standard, the maid was employing a belief in some Southeast Asian cultures that menstrual blood has special powers and would improve an otherwise-contentious relationship between the maid and the employer. [Agence France-Presse, 4-15-09]
Least Competent Criminals
First-time bank robber (according to police) Jason Durant, 32, reported to the hospital in New Milford, Conn., shortly after knocking off the National Iron Bank in April. As he fled the crime scene, he accidentally tumbled down a steep hill behind the bank, losing control of his stash, and his gun, during the fall. He broke his leg in several places (saying later that he heard snapping sounds). At the bottom of the hill, he crashed into a plow blade, slashing himself before dragging his bleeding, broken body to his getaway car (with only $2 left from the robbery). Suspicious hospital staff members notified police. [Republican-American (Waterbury, Conn.), 4-30-09]
Recurring Themes
Russia's long-running Moscow Cat Circus/Theater, reported in News of the Weird in 1998, is still in service, astonishing all who ever tried to train a cat. In the United States, Samantha Martin runs her own similar show (at such venues as Chicago's Gorilla Tango Theatre in March) featuring the Rock Cats trio on guitar, piano and drums, as well as a tightrope-walker, barrel-roller and skateboarder, among other daring performers. Martin admitted to a Chicago Tribune reporter that the cats' music "sucks," in that "when they're playing, they're not even playing the same thing," and anyway she has two backup drummers because her regular is prone to "walking off in a huff," sort of "like diva actresses." "This is why you don't see trained cat acts. Because ... the managers can't take the humiliation." [Chicago Tribune, 3-18-09]
Undignified Deaths
Difficult Times for Funeral Eulogists:
A 54-year-old man was found dead of a heart attack in a pornography video booth at the Beate Uhse sex shop in Cologne, Germany, in December. [The Local (Berlin), 12-5-08]
A 42-year-old comedian (and owner of a comedy club in Blackburn, England) was accidentally asphyxiated in April inhaling laughing gas while viewing computer pornography. [The Sun, 4-17-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (August 2001)
In an October 2001 incident that started out resembling a comedy movie scene, Alan Martin, 49, decided to petulantly protest police officers' decision to confiscate his RV after a minor accident, and deliberately lay down in the middle of a busy street in Daly City, Calif., refusing to budge. As officers tried for a while to talk him out of his obstinacy, they shielded his body by blocking a lane of traffic with their cruiser. A few minutes later, one of those notorious California hot-pursuit police chases just happened to head down the same street, and the car driven by fleeing suspect Kevin Domino, 37, accidentally rammed the stopped cruiser, then drove over Martin, and then while trying to straighten out his car, Domino ran over Martin again. (Police caught Domino a few blocks later when his car stalled out, and Martin was hospitalized in fair condition.) [San Francisco Chronicle, 10-3-01]
Thanks This Week to Richard Heiden, Bobby Stout, Phil Carhart, and Joe Church, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
(And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE---->
© 2009 UCLICK, L.L.C. ©2009 Chuck Shepherd