2-Fer
1. Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing." on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
-- Editor: Punctuation is powerful, hehehe!
2. Australian Investment Advice
In 2001, if you had bought $1,000 of One-Tel stock, it would now be worth about $9 to you as an unsecured creditor if you are lucky.
In 2002, if you had bought HIH stock, you would have about $6.50 left of the original $1,000 investment.
In 2003, if you had gone overseas and bought ENRON, you would have less than $5 left.
But, If you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer in early 2009 - one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned the aluminum cans in for the recycling price, you would have $24!
Based on the above, the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
-- Editor: Yep, and if you saved that $24 each year, in 40 years you can buy another $1,000 worth of beer, so you're actually recycling on two levels, hehehe!
Italian Brouhaha Over Pussy-Eating Comment!
ROME, Italy -- Ask anyone who has experienced it, Voyeurwebbers, and they will tell you that there's a right way and a wrong way to eat a pussy. Yet, in Italy, that very topic has gotten an Italian TV chef in a heap of hot water.
Beppe Bigazzi, a food expert on the TV program "The Cook's Challenge", was recently suspended from his job for telling the television audience about the wonders of "tender, white cat meat". Chef Bigazzi, 77, also told how to tenderize cat meat by leaving it under running water for three days before cooking it into "a delight".
Before you could say "catfight", the Italian Animal Protection Agency had its claws out, caterwauling that Bigazzi be permanently scratched from the program.
"Anyone who goes on television to promote the taste of cat meat is guilty of instigating viewers to commit an act of cruelty to animals, a crime punishable by up to 18 months in prison," the group said in a statement.
Chef Bigazzi later said he was talking about cats that were cooked in Tuscany, Italy, during food shortages of the Great Depression and World War II in the 1930s and 1940s, and was not recommending people today cook cats.
"I was just talking about an old tradition," he said.
'A Delicate Way' by K.
Eye has always been fascinated with the way language applies to men and women, Voyeurwebbers. For example, it is said that horses "sweat", men "perspire" and women "glow"; and women are "in a delicate way" or are "expecting" when other women talk, but when men talk, women are "pregnant", "preggo", "have a bun in the oven" or some other indelicate way of describing a woman in a "delicate way".
This leads Eye to today's column, which is about two different women apparently getting in a "delicate way" in an indelicate way. Confused? You won't be for long.
Our first pregnant woman has filed paternity claims against six separate inmates of a Romanian prison near the city of Iasi, where mother-to-be Raluca Dionescu says any one of the six convicts she met while working part-time as a cleaner at the jail could be the father.
As a result, the prisoners, who range in age from 24 to 25, will have to submit to blood and DNA tests.
Ms. Dionescu admitted she had enjoyed steamy, indelicate sessions with the inmates in the prison's laundry room.
"I couldn't resist some of the men," Ms. Dionescu explained. "I didn't think of them as criminals or the crimes they committed. What I want now, though, is to find out which one is the father of my child," she told Romanian news media.
Ms. Dionescu has six possible inmates who could be the one who indelicately got her in an indelicate way through the sneaky doing of the most enjoyable. Let's see ... Eye thinks she should she take the inmate behind cell No. 2 or cell No. 3.
You aren't still confused, are you?
Well, don't worry, you'll be thoroughly befuddled after the next item, which takes us to Cairo, where a Polish woman from Warsaw is suing an Egyptian hotel, claiming her teenage daughter got in a delicate way from swimming in the hotel's allegedly indelicate pool.
Eye wasn't kidding about the "befuddled" part, Voyeurwebbers.
The unique claim surfaced as M.K., the mother, demanded compensation after her 13-year-old daughter came back from the family vacation in a delicate way or, to put it indelicately, the daughter was pregnant (i.e. she has a bun in the oven).
Further confusing things, tourism authorities in Warsaw confirmed they had received the M.K.'s complaint which states that the girl conceived because of stray sperm in the pool.
"The mother is adamant that her daughter didn't meet any boys while she was there and is determined to go ahead with the case," said one Warsaw travel industry source.
As Eye sees it, Voyeurwebbers, there are at least six possibilities in this confusing case. Regrettably, they are all too indelicate for Eye to mention here. K.
Showing posts with label BAD HUMOR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BAD HUMOR. Show all posts
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
All In The Family
All In The Family
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.
"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!
"And you think YOU have family problems!!!"
-- Editor: This guy's gotta be from West Virginia. Hehehe!
Blonde, 25, Voted Britain's Sexiest Female Farmer!
HUTTON RUDBY, ENGLAND -- By day she trains sheep dogs, drives heavy equipment and encourages livestock to mate, Voyeurwebbers; but by night she dons a miniskirt and goes out on the town.
She is Anna Simpson (no relation to Homer Simpson), an attractive, sexy, 25-year-old blonde who was just voted Britain's sexiest female farmer.
According to contest officials, Ms. Simpson proves not all farm hands chew straw and are scruffily dressed.
Simpson, of Hutton Rudby, Yorkshire, bested hundreds of rivals in a poll held by Farmer's Weekly magazine. Simpson said: "I think many people believe a stereotypical farmer is a man in his 60s but I wanted to show they can also be young women, who want to get stuck in but also enjoy a night out," Simpson told a British newspaper.
Pete Mortimore, 25, of Widdecombe-on-the-Moor, Devon, was voted Britain's sexiest male farmer. Mortimore and Simpson each won about $400 and a pair of Wellington Boots.
Marriage by K.
In case you missed it, Voyeurwebbers, the Chinese Celebrated their New Year on February 14, which marked the end of the Year of the Ox, and the beginning of the Year of the Tiger, according to the Chinese zodiac calendar.
This change from Ox to Tiger, as it turns out, is a very big deal in China, and caused a surge in demand for marriage certificates prior to the start of the Year of the Tiger. Officials in Beijing said the rush to marry is based on cultural beliefs regarding varying fortunes associated with certain dates. Since Sunday's new year holiday comes after the official beginning of spring based on the solar-agrarian calendar, some are concerned there is no Spring in the Year of the Tiger.
Zhao Shuoxin, a new bride, explained to a news reporter that she and her new husband, Zhang Ning, considered such beliefs when planning their wedding. "This is the end of the ox year and we hard the whole of the next one will be bad for marriage," said Zhao.
With no Spring, which is associated with procreation, some Chinese are concerned a "widow year" was created. Window years are associated with infertility.
Eye shared this little item with you, Voyeurwebbers, not only because it provides a look at interesting aspects of Chinese culture, but so those of you who aren't quite ready to commit yet, but have a partner who constantly reminds them that there is no "ready" in "commitment", will now have a legitimate excuse for avoiding tying the knot: "Sorry, Honey, we can't get married this year, it's not only the Year of the Tiger; it's a Widow Year as well. We'll have to wait until next year." K.
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.
"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!
"And you think YOU have family problems!!!"
-- Editor: This guy's gotta be from West Virginia. Hehehe!
Blonde, 25, Voted Britain's Sexiest Female Farmer!
HUTTON RUDBY, ENGLAND -- By day she trains sheep dogs, drives heavy equipment and encourages livestock to mate, Voyeurwebbers; but by night she dons a miniskirt and goes out on the town.
She is Anna Simpson (no relation to Homer Simpson), an attractive, sexy, 25-year-old blonde who was just voted Britain's sexiest female farmer.
According to contest officials, Ms. Simpson proves not all farm hands chew straw and are scruffily dressed.
Simpson, of Hutton Rudby, Yorkshire, bested hundreds of rivals in a poll held by Farmer's Weekly magazine. Simpson said: "I think many people believe a stereotypical farmer is a man in his 60s but I wanted to show they can also be young women, who want to get stuck in but also enjoy a night out," Simpson told a British newspaper.
Pete Mortimore, 25, of Widdecombe-on-the-Moor, Devon, was voted Britain's sexiest male farmer. Mortimore and Simpson each won about $400 and a pair of Wellington Boots.
Marriage by K.
In case you missed it, Voyeurwebbers, the Chinese Celebrated their New Year on February 14, which marked the end of the Year of the Ox, and the beginning of the Year of the Tiger, according to the Chinese zodiac calendar.
This change from Ox to Tiger, as it turns out, is a very big deal in China, and caused a surge in demand for marriage certificates prior to the start of the Year of the Tiger. Officials in Beijing said the rush to marry is based on cultural beliefs regarding varying fortunes associated with certain dates. Since Sunday's new year holiday comes after the official beginning of spring based on the solar-agrarian calendar, some are concerned there is no Spring in the Year of the Tiger.
Zhao Shuoxin, a new bride, explained to a news reporter that she and her new husband, Zhang Ning, considered such beliefs when planning their wedding. "This is the end of the ox year and we hard the whole of the next one will be bad for marriage," said Zhao.
With no Spring, which is associated with procreation, some Chinese are concerned a "widow year" was created. Window years are associated with infertility.
Eye shared this little item with you, Voyeurwebbers, not only because it provides a look at interesting aspects of Chinese culture, but so those of you who aren't quite ready to commit yet, but have a partner who constantly reminds them that there is no "ready" in "commitment", will now have a legitimate excuse for avoiding tying the knot: "Sorry, Honey, we can't get married this year, it's not only the Year of the Tiger; it's a Widow Year as well. We'll have to wait until next year." K.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
2-Fer
2-Fer
1. Memories
One day, long, long ago, there lived a beautiful woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But that was a long, long time ago and it was just that one day.
2. Daily Thoughts
A. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
B. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
C. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
D. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
E. You only need two tools in life -- WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Bonus Thought: Some people are like slinkies -- not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
ALERT! Search On For Miss Cougar Australia 2010
SYDNEY, Australia -- If you're a male between the ages of 18 and 25, are considered handsome, have six-pack abs AND live in Australia, this might be a good time to head for the Blue Mountains.
Turns out there's a major Cougar alert Downunder from Brisbane to Melbourne, Voyeurwebbers, and these cougars like nothing more than preying on young, healthy men.
Yep, the search is on for Miss Cougar Australia 2010, and the claws will be out. U.S.-based author and relationship guru Rich Gosse is holding three cougar convention heats, in Sydney, Brisbane and Melbourne during February, and each will name regional Miss Cougars.
The event then moves to the Sunshine Coast in June to name Miss Cougar Australia 2010.
Aspiring Miss Cougars must be over 35, "legally single" and have a taste for younger men, said Gosse.
Younger men (or cubs) who are interested in snaring a cougar simply have to turn up and cast their votes.
Sperm Racing by K.
It's a lovely Spring day at Pantsare Down, Voyeurwebbers, and the anticipation is building as the sperm enter the starting gate. They're in. And ... there's the starter's gun and they're off! It's a tight pack as the sperm enter the first turn on their race to the egg.
At the second turn the pack of galloping sperm is still tight.
Wait a second, Voyeurwebbers, a sperm from Team VW is breaking away from the pack cuming .. er ... coming out of the third turn into the final stretch to the finish line and the coveted egg. The gap is widening between the rest of the sperm pack and the leader ... and at the finish line it's -- Eye hopes you're sitting down for this, Voyuerwebbers -- it's the guy with the paunchy middle who sleeps around a lot! Say what?
No kidding, Voyeurwebbers, that's what Australian evolutionary biologist Professor Leigh Simmons and his research team at the University of Western Australia in Crawley, near Perth, discovered while studying how quickly sperm can travel inside the female to reach the egg.
Prof. Simmons' findings, published in Biology Letters, showed that, in the race for the egg, size does not matter and having a paunchy middle and more than average sexual partners are advantages. If you're a mouse. The professor stressed that many animal species on Earth are polygamous, meaning an individual male's sperm has to compete inside the female reproductive tract with sperm from other successful suitors.
Prof. Simmons' team found that sperm from promiscuous mice swam 5 micrometers a second - or 0.00018 km/h - faster than sperm from monogamous males. As tiny as the figure is, it could be the difference in to fertilize or not to fertilize.
"Monogamous sperm have no selection pressure because at least some sperm will get up there [to the female egg] no matter how fast they swim," he said .
Once the researchers established who were the faster swimmers, they set out to find what it was that gave them the edge. "We were interested in whether longer sperm are able to swim faster because they have longer tails," said Prof. Simmons; adding that the research showed that concept was dead wrong -- the length of the tail didn't matter, the size of their mid-section did. The mid-section -- a powerhouse full of mitochondria, or energy organs, fuels the sperm, pushing them harder and faster towards the finish line.
Prof. Simmons said it is the competition between other male sperm that caused this bigger midsection to evolve.
As Eye sees it, Voyeurwebbers, if human sperm actually behave like mice sperm, then it's the beer drinkers who play the field a lot who'll win the race to the egg; not to mention everything that follows from that -- pregnancy, marriage, child/children ... "The complete catastrophe", as author Nikos Kanzatzakis had Zorba, the Greek, describe it. This, in turn, raises an important bio-evolutionary ethical question: Is this a good foundation on which to build a species? K.
1. Memories
One day, long, long ago, there lived a beautiful woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But that was a long, long time ago and it was just that one day.
2. Daily Thoughts
A. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
B. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
C. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
D. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
E. You only need two tools in life -- WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Bonus Thought: Some people are like slinkies -- not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
ALERT! Search On For Miss Cougar Australia 2010
SYDNEY, Australia -- If you're a male between the ages of 18 and 25, are considered handsome, have six-pack abs AND live in Australia, this might be a good time to head for the Blue Mountains.
Turns out there's a major Cougar alert Downunder from Brisbane to Melbourne, Voyeurwebbers, and these cougars like nothing more than preying on young, healthy men.
Yep, the search is on for Miss Cougar Australia 2010, and the claws will be out. U.S.-based author and relationship guru Rich Gosse is holding three cougar convention heats, in Sydney, Brisbane and Melbourne during February, and each will name regional Miss Cougars.
The event then moves to the Sunshine Coast in June to name Miss Cougar Australia 2010.
Aspiring Miss Cougars must be over 35, "legally single" and have a taste for younger men, said Gosse.
Younger men (or cubs) who are interested in snaring a cougar simply have to turn up and cast their votes.
Sperm Racing by K.
It's a lovely Spring day at Pantsare Down, Voyeurwebbers, and the anticipation is building as the sperm enter the starting gate. They're in. And ... there's the starter's gun and they're off! It's a tight pack as the sperm enter the first turn on their race to the egg.
At the second turn the pack of galloping sperm is still tight.
Wait a second, Voyeurwebbers, a sperm from Team VW is breaking away from the pack cuming .. er ... coming out of the third turn into the final stretch to the finish line and the coveted egg. The gap is widening between the rest of the sperm pack and the leader ... and at the finish line it's -- Eye hopes you're sitting down for this, Voyuerwebbers -- it's the guy with the paunchy middle who sleeps around a lot! Say what?
No kidding, Voyeurwebbers, that's what Australian evolutionary biologist Professor Leigh Simmons and his research team at the University of Western Australia in Crawley, near Perth, discovered while studying how quickly sperm can travel inside the female to reach the egg.
Prof. Simmons' findings, published in Biology Letters, showed that, in the race for the egg, size does not matter and having a paunchy middle and more than average sexual partners are advantages. If you're a mouse. The professor stressed that many animal species on Earth are polygamous, meaning an individual male's sperm has to compete inside the female reproductive tract with sperm from other successful suitors.
Prof. Simmons' team found that sperm from promiscuous mice swam 5 micrometers a second - or 0.00018 km/h - faster than sperm from monogamous males. As tiny as the figure is, it could be the difference in to fertilize or not to fertilize.
"Monogamous sperm have no selection pressure because at least some sperm will get up there [to the female egg] no matter how fast they swim," he said .
Once the researchers established who were the faster swimmers, they set out to find what it was that gave them the edge. "We were interested in whether longer sperm are able to swim faster because they have longer tails," said Prof. Simmons; adding that the research showed that concept was dead wrong -- the length of the tail didn't matter, the size of their mid-section did. The mid-section -- a powerhouse full of mitochondria, or energy organs, fuels the sperm, pushing them harder and faster towards the finish line.
Prof. Simmons said it is the competition between other male sperm that caused this bigger midsection to evolve.
As Eye sees it, Voyeurwebbers, if human sperm actually behave like mice sperm, then it's the beer drinkers who play the field a lot who'll win the race to the egg; not to mention everything that follows from that -- pregnancy, marriage, child/children ... "The complete catastrophe", as author Nikos Kanzatzakis had Zorba, the Greek, describe it. This, in turn, raises an important bio-evolutionary ethical question: Is this a good foundation on which to build a species? K.
Monday, February 15, 2010
1 Quickie, 2 Punnies
1 Quickie, 2 Punnies
1. Grocery Shopping
My wife sent me to the grocery store for organic vegetables, but not wanting to drive to our usual store, I just stopped at the corner market.
They didn't seem to carry organic produce, so I found the manager.
"These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
He looked at me and replied, "Nope. You're gonna have to do that yourself!"
2. At The Doctors
The blonde patient was adamant.
"Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..."
"Whoa. Just a minute," interrupted the doctor. "What makes you think you need all these?"
"Well," said the blonde, "my boss said, if I want to keep my job, I've got to get reorganized!"
3. Public Service Alert
WARNING: If you receive an e-mail from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu -- ignore it. It's just spam.
Woman Posts Ex-Boyfriend's 'Little Penis' Pics
STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- A young woman in Stockholm, Sweden, has risen to prominence on VW's list of "scorned women stories", Voyeurwebbers.
According to local news reports, when the 24-year-old boyfriend broke off their relationship to date someone else, the 18-year-old woman posted pictures of his "little" penis ... not online, but in public ... on street-light posts ... in his neighborhood ... complete with his name and phone number!
The news reports said the woman also allegedly threw eggs at her ex-boyfriend's car, and posted pictures of her ex-beau's new squeeze with a note calling her a "slut".
The young woman was charged in court with harassment. Police said the woman admitted to them that she knew her activities were illegal.
Oddities by K.
Eye recently came across a couple of odd little news items, Voyeurwebbers, from disparate parts of the planet that have nothing in common except for the oddness of them. They don't quite qualify as weird, yet are still difficult to forget and will linger with you a while.
The first item is from the U.S. state of Wyoming, also proudly known as the Cowboy State. There, a would-be thief in the town of Riverton, provided local authorities with a virtuoso display of alcohol-induced stupidity.
According to Riverton Police reports, a man, whose name was withheld, ran out of a local grocery store after grabbing a bottle of Schnapps. But the man, 26, had forgotten one essential ingredient to any well-planned crime: the escape route.
Police said the man ran out of the store after grabbing the bottle of booze and a package of cough drops and hid in a nearby building. The same building, as it turned out, that housed the Riverton Police. Yep, it was the police station. Police say the man then ran out of the police station, but not before a dispatcher had spied him on the station's surveillance camera and alerted officers.
The man, who police say was drunk, was caught soon after and taken into custody on preliminary charges of resisting arrest and shoplifting.
You have to be pretty drunk to run into a police station to avoid getting caught for shoplifting, Voyeurwebbers.
The second item takes us from the Cowboy State to the island of Britain, to a unique little item about a man who is retiring after running a business helping people permanently retire for 50 years.
He's an undertaker and, after 50 years in the funeral business, he has lifted open the lid on a few of the bizarre -- Britons would probably prefer "eccentric" -- last requests of his clients or their descendants.
Take, for example, the 84-year-old widow who refused to be buried in the joint graveyard plot her husband had bought before his death, and insisted on being buried with her stuffed pet parrot instead.
Another reveals Franjo Jozic, from Zagreb, Croatia, was buried by her family with her coffin lined in banknotes.
Still, some requests can never be fulfilled, the 72-year-old undertaker explained.
"We get quite a few family members who approach us after a funeral and ask us if we can dig up their relatives to recover jewellery. But the strangest was a woman who wanted us to dig up her mother so she could get her artificial hip joint. She said she'd paid for it and she wanted it back," he said.
Definitely odd and, at least for a while, unforgettable, Voyeurwebbers. K.
1. Grocery Shopping
My wife sent me to the grocery store for organic vegetables, but not wanting to drive to our usual store, I just stopped at the corner market.
They didn't seem to carry organic produce, so I found the manager.
"These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
He looked at me and replied, "Nope. You're gonna have to do that yourself!"
2. At The Doctors
The blonde patient was adamant.
"Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..."
"Whoa. Just a minute," interrupted the doctor. "What makes you think you need all these?"
"Well," said the blonde, "my boss said, if I want to keep my job, I've got to get reorganized!"
3. Public Service Alert
WARNING: If you receive an e-mail from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu -- ignore it. It's just spam.
Woman Posts Ex-Boyfriend's 'Little Penis' Pics
STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- A young woman in Stockholm, Sweden, has risen to prominence on VW's list of "scorned women stories", Voyeurwebbers.
According to local news reports, when the 24-year-old boyfriend broke off their relationship to date someone else, the 18-year-old woman posted pictures of his "little" penis ... not online, but in public ... on street-light posts ... in his neighborhood ... complete with his name and phone number!
The news reports said the woman also allegedly threw eggs at her ex-boyfriend's car, and posted pictures of her ex-beau's new squeeze with a note calling her a "slut".
The young woman was charged in court with harassment. Police said the woman admitted to them that she knew her activities were illegal.
Oddities by K.
Eye recently came across a couple of odd little news items, Voyeurwebbers, from disparate parts of the planet that have nothing in common except for the oddness of them. They don't quite qualify as weird, yet are still difficult to forget and will linger with you a while.
The first item is from the U.S. state of Wyoming, also proudly known as the Cowboy State. There, a would-be thief in the town of Riverton, provided local authorities with a virtuoso display of alcohol-induced stupidity.
According to Riverton Police reports, a man, whose name was withheld, ran out of a local grocery store after grabbing a bottle of Schnapps. But the man, 26, had forgotten one essential ingredient to any well-planned crime: the escape route.
Police said the man ran out of the store after grabbing the bottle of booze and a package of cough drops and hid in a nearby building. The same building, as it turned out, that housed the Riverton Police. Yep, it was the police station. Police say the man then ran out of the police station, but not before a dispatcher had spied him on the station's surveillance camera and alerted officers.
The man, who police say was drunk, was caught soon after and taken into custody on preliminary charges of resisting arrest and shoplifting.
You have to be pretty drunk to run into a police station to avoid getting caught for shoplifting, Voyeurwebbers.
The second item takes us from the Cowboy State to the island of Britain, to a unique little item about a man who is retiring after running a business helping people permanently retire for 50 years.
He's an undertaker and, after 50 years in the funeral business, he has lifted open the lid on a few of the bizarre -- Britons would probably prefer "eccentric" -- last requests of his clients or their descendants.
Take, for example, the 84-year-old widow who refused to be buried in the joint graveyard plot her husband had bought before his death, and insisted on being buried with her stuffed pet parrot instead.
Another reveals Franjo Jozic, from Zagreb, Croatia, was buried by her family with her coffin lined in banknotes.
Still, some requests can never be fulfilled, the 72-year-old undertaker explained.
"We get quite a few family members who approach us after a funeral and ask us if we can dig up their relatives to recover jewellery. But the strangest was a woman who wanted us to dig up her mother so she could get her artificial hip joint. She said she'd paid for it and she wanted it back," he said.
Definitely odd and, at least for a while, unforgettable, Voyeurwebbers. K.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Humor Threesome
Humor Threesome
1. Bon Apetit
"Excuse me, waiter, but your finger is in my soup!"
"Yes," replied the server, "I have a fungus under my nail and my doctor told me to keep it warm and moist."
The irate customer snapped, "Then why don't you just stick it up your ass?"
The waiter immediately replied, "Oh, that's what I do when I'm in the kitchen!"
2. Rock'n Roll Heaven
Jerry Garcia awoke in an all-white recording studio, surrounded by instruments.
Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman were tuning their guitars. John Lennon was seated at the piano.
Janis Joplin and Buddy Holly were warming up.
As he plugged into his amp, an awestruck Garcia murmured, "Wow! There really is a rock 'n' roll heaven!"
Elvis Presley said to him, "Heaven?" just as Karen Carpenter sat down at the drums and said, "Okay, people. 'Close To You' in E-flat. One, two, one, two..."
3. Good News/Bad News
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news, Liz."
Liz: "What's the good news, Doc?"
Doc: "Your lab tests came back today and your crabs are gone."
Liz: "Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "We don't know what killed them!"
Cambridge Co-eds Asked To Quell Passion ... Why?
CAMBRIDGE, England -- If you've got a post-graduate degree, Voyeurwebbers, you might want to consider "tuning up" your education by obtaining a fellowship grant to study at England's Cambridge University. I only mention this because things in the ivy-covered halls have changed considerably in the past decade or so and university life has become much more fun ... er ... I mean, much more geared to the serious student.Here's why:
All 400 undergraduate students at historic Cambridge University's all-women Newham College have been asked to tone down their love life. The young women were sent a polite e-mail asking the to be more "discreet" when in the throes of passion after Newham College's student union received 30 complaints about the noise.
Newnham College undergraduate president Lizzy Cole sent the message asking them to quell their passion so others could get a good night's sleep.
Miss Cole, 19, who was on last year's Cambridge University Challenge team, said that while Newnham had a reputation for being "slutty" the e-mail did not just refer to sex.
Boyfriends are allowed to stay in student rooms at the 139-year-old college for two days before they have to register for a spare room.
One Newnham undergraduate, 20, said: "It's just so embarrassing to think that people have been listening in. I was blushing when I got the email.
"You try to keep it down, but it's easy to forget the walls are so thin if you get a bit carried away. This sort of thing must happen at every university in the country. Only in Cambridge would your fellow students complain. They'll be handing out ear plugs next."
Rear of the Year by K.
There is an annual event in Britain, Voyeurwebbers, that not only reflects Britons' eccentric sense of humor, but the national pride they take in their expertise at identifying a really great rear end on a woman. The event is called the "Rear of the Year", with various categories, so naturally Eye likes to keep a close watch on the event.
The nominations for this year's Rear of the Year awards have barely begun -- the winners will be announced in June at a gala ceremony at London's Dorchester Hotel -- and a buzz is brewing about an unexpected nominee who is rising up the list in on-line nomination polls. Eye should mention that the Rear of the Year top award goes to the British woman deemed to have the best-looking rear in a tight pair of jeans, which may explain why Wizard Jeans is hosting this year's event.
The reason for the buzz is Harriet Harman who, at first glance, seems an odd nominee. For one thing, Ms. Harmon is an MP (Member of Parliament) representing the Camberwell and Peckham district, and is also a leader of the House of Commons, and Minister for Women in the British cabinet.
She is known for her staunch feminist views, wants pictures of the scantily clad young women known as Page 3 girls banned from the workplace, wants the term "chairman" banned as being sexist -- and has been nominated for the annual Rear of the Year award. No one seems to know for sure if the nominations were from admirers of Ms. Harman's derrier, or merely tongue-in-cheek ... pun intended.
Nonetheless, earlier this week Ms. Harman had already received 12 nominations, according to Rear of the Year organizer Tony Edwards.
"These are not large numbers but a dozen nominations in one week usually indicates encouragement on a fan-based website or an organized group effort of some kind," Edwards told local news media.
"During the past month we've received flurries of votes inspired by celebrities on Strictly Come Dancing, Celebrity Dancing on Ice and various TV soaps, but we're surprised to see the MP for Camberwell and Peckham among the latest nominations," said Edwards, then rattled off a couple of double entendres that Eye liked.
One: "Perhaps some of Labour's (Britain's Labour Party) backbenchers have decided to get behind her in the competition."
Two: "These are early days with a further four months of voting to go so it would be premature to talk about a winner from the world of politics or whether Ms Harman's seat is set for the spotlight."
So there you have it, Voyeurwebbers. The Rear of the Year contest just got underway and already the drama, tension, and anticipation of seeing some British women with great rear ends are building. Will Harriet Hartman have the best bum in Britain, or will that hot, sexy young newcomer Lady Gaga wiggle away with the top prize for the best bottom?
Rest assured, Voyeurwebbers, Eye will keep a close watch on British women's rear ends -- and those of whole lot of women in other countries -- between now and June. It's easy. You can do it, too. All you have to do is browse through any or all of VW's sections. It's a good thing the Rear of the Year contest isn't until June, Eye can almost get a tenth of the way through VW's archive, Funbags, by then. K.
1. Bon Apetit
"Excuse me, waiter, but your finger is in my soup!"
"Yes," replied the server, "I have a fungus under my nail and my doctor told me to keep it warm and moist."
The irate customer snapped, "Then why don't you just stick it up your ass?"
The waiter immediately replied, "Oh, that's what I do when I'm in the kitchen!"
2. Rock'n Roll Heaven
Jerry Garcia awoke in an all-white recording studio, surrounded by instruments.
Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman were tuning their guitars. John Lennon was seated at the piano.
Janis Joplin and Buddy Holly were warming up.
As he plugged into his amp, an awestruck Garcia murmured, "Wow! There really is a rock 'n' roll heaven!"
Elvis Presley said to him, "Heaven?" just as Karen Carpenter sat down at the drums and said, "Okay, people. 'Close To You' in E-flat. One, two, one, two..."
3. Good News/Bad News
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news, Liz."
Liz: "What's the good news, Doc?"
Doc: "Your lab tests came back today and your crabs are gone."
Liz: "Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "We don't know what killed them!"
Cambridge Co-eds Asked To Quell Passion ... Why?
CAMBRIDGE, England -- If you've got a post-graduate degree, Voyeurwebbers, you might want to consider "tuning up" your education by obtaining a fellowship grant to study at England's Cambridge University. I only mention this because things in the ivy-covered halls have changed considerably in the past decade or so and university life has become much more fun ... er ... I mean, much more geared to the serious student.Here's why:
All 400 undergraduate students at historic Cambridge University's all-women Newham College have been asked to tone down their love life. The young women were sent a polite e-mail asking the to be more "discreet" when in the throes of passion after Newham College's student union received 30 complaints about the noise.
Newnham College undergraduate president Lizzy Cole sent the message asking them to quell their passion so others could get a good night's sleep.
Miss Cole, 19, who was on last year's Cambridge University Challenge team, said that while Newnham had a reputation for being "slutty" the e-mail did not just refer to sex.
Boyfriends are allowed to stay in student rooms at the 139-year-old college for two days before they have to register for a spare room.
One Newnham undergraduate, 20, said: "It's just so embarrassing to think that people have been listening in. I was blushing when I got the email.
"You try to keep it down, but it's easy to forget the walls are so thin if you get a bit carried away. This sort of thing must happen at every university in the country. Only in Cambridge would your fellow students complain. They'll be handing out ear plugs next."
Rear of the Year by K.
There is an annual event in Britain, Voyeurwebbers, that not only reflects Britons' eccentric sense of humor, but the national pride they take in their expertise at identifying a really great rear end on a woman. The event is called the "Rear of the Year", with various categories, so naturally Eye likes to keep a close watch on the event.
The nominations for this year's Rear of the Year awards have barely begun -- the winners will be announced in June at a gala ceremony at London's Dorchester Hotel -- and a buzz is brewing about an unexpected nominee who is rising up the list in on-line nomination polls. Eye should mention that the Rear of the Year top award goes to the British woman deemed to have the best-looking rear in a tight pair of jeans, which may explain why Wizard Jeans is hosting this year's event.
The reason for the buzz is Harriet Harman who, at first glance, seems an odd nominee. For one thing, Ms. Harmon is an MP (Member of Parliament) representing the Camberwell and Peckham district, and is also a leader of the House of Commons, and Minister for Women in the British cabinet.
She is known for her staunch feminist views, wants pictures of the scantily clad young women known as Page 3 girls banned from the workplace, wants the term "chairman" banned as being sexist -- and has been nominated for the annual Rear of the Year award. No one seems to know for sure if the nominations were from admirers of Ms. Harman's derrier, or merely tongue-in-cheek ... pun intended.
Nonetheless, earlier this week Ms. Harman had already received 12 nominations, according to Rear of the Year organizer Tony Edwards.
"These are not large numbers but a dozen nominations in one week usually indicates encouragement on a fan-based website or an organized group effort of some kind," Edwards told local news media.
"During the past month we've received flurries of votes inspired by celebrities on Strictly Come Dancing, Celebrity Dancing on Ice and various TV soaps, but we're surprised to see the MP for Camberwell and Peckham among the latest nominations," said Edwards, then rattled off a couple of double entendres that Eye liked.
One: "Perhaps some of Labour's (Britain's Labour Party) backbenchers have decided to get behind her in the competition."
Two: "These are early days with a further four months of voting to go so it would be premature to talk about a winner from the world of politics or whether Ms Harman's seat is set for the spotlight."
So there you have it, Voyeurwebbers. The Rear of the Year contest just got underway and already the drama, tension, and anticipation of seeing some British women with great rear ends are building. Will Harriet Hartman have the best bum in Britain, or will that hot, sexy young newcomer Lady Gaga wiggle away with the top prize for the best bottom?
Rest assured, Voyeurwebbers, Eye will keep a close watch on British women's rear ends -- and those of whole lot of women in other countries -- between now and June. It's easy. You can do it, too. All you have to do is browse through any or all of VW's sections. It's a good thing the Rear of the Year contest isn't until June, Eye can almost get a tenth of the way through VW's archive, Funbags, by then. K.
Friday, February 12, 2010
A (Joke) Threesome
A (Joke) Threesome
1. Man Talk
Three Catholic men were talking.
The first said, "My son is a priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second man piped in, "My son is a bishop; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Your Grace'."
The third man smiled. "My daughter is 6-feet tall with 38D breasts, a 24-inch waist, and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God!' "
2. More Bumper Stickers
1. The Proctologist called ... They found your head!
2. Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date.
3. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
3. Little Johnny Joke No. 1,497
One day, little Johnny got home from pre-school early and headed upstairs. As he walked by his parents' bedroom, he was surprised to see his parents naked on their bed, making love. Not wanting to traumatize the child, they continued what they were doing. Soon Johnny asked, "Daddy, can I climb on your back for a horsey ride?"
Dad thought a moment and replied, "I suppose so, son. After all, we are a family."
After he rode a while, his mother started writhing wildly.
"Hang on, Dad!" cried Johnny. "This is always where the mailman and I get bucked off!"
Strip Club Raises Money For Haiti
TOLEDO, Ohio, USA -- A strip club in Toledo, Ohio, has raised money to help the people of Haiti, Voyeurwebbers,
The club, Marilyn's on Monroe, raised almost $1,000 for victims of the earthquake that devastated Haiti by hosting a charity fund-raising event called "Lap Dances for Haiti". The club donated all of its $10 cover charges for one day to the International Services of Hope charity.
According to local news media, the name of the event was misleading because strip clubs are legal in Ohio but lap-dances are not.
Club manager Kenny Soprano said he had been considering a charity event to improve the club's reputation even before the Haiti earthquake. "We'd been racking our brains for about a month or so, thinking about what we could do," he said. "You don't hear much about strip clubs giving back to the community.
"It was pretty hard to find an organization that wants to deal with an adult entertainment establishment," said Soprano.
Linda Greene, CEO of International Services of Hope, said she was happy to accept the donation: "I don't have a problem with it," she said.
Weirdness by K.
The weirdest thing recently happened in the U.S. state of New Jersey, Voyeurwebbers; it even had allusions, or possibly illusions, to the movie "The Godfather", which would seem to be a fit in New Jersey ... and yet it doesn't fit at all.
Here's what happened: Robert Godman, 61, of Wenonah, New Jersey, apparently had a package delivered to a state senator named Stephen Sweeney. Sen. Sweeny was acting governor while Gov. Jon Corzine was on vacation. When staffers opened the package the were alarmed to find -- Eye hope's you're sitting down for this, Voyeurwebbers -- (Cue the organist!).... a plush toy horse's head!
Despite their shock, the staffers had the presence of mind to call in a bomb squad as a precaution.
According to one news report the incident appeared a likely allusion to the classic cinematic scene in "The Godfather," in which a horse's head was used as a death threat by the Mafia.
In the end, the plush toy horse's head was found to be ... a ... er ... umm ... plush toy horse's head.
Nonetheless, Mr. Godman was arrested at the home he shares with his parents and charged with harassment. New Jersey State Police said they were looking into whether Godman and the package are related to a recent series of letters and faxes.
"We take every interaction with our government officials seriously, at least of this nature," said a state police sergeant. "This was not just some benign communication."
Eye warned you this would be weird, Voyeurwebbers. And it leaves some interesting questions, for instance: If delivering a real, severed horse's head is considered a Mafia death threat, what does a plush toy horse's head mean in "Mafia-ese"? Is the mob going to put out a "cuddle" on you instead of a hit? And what did the state police sergeant mean when he said, "... at least of this nature"? It makes Eye wonder if New Jersey is being hit by a deluge of packages delivered with plush-toy animal parts. Actually, that does sound a little creepy.
As Eye sees it, Voyeurwebbers, it could be possible, though not probable, that Mr. Godman sent the wrong part of the plush toy horse to the good senator. He might have meant to send the plush toy horse's plush patootie instead. That way the message would be clear ... and no official in his or her right mind -- with the possible exception of New Jersey -- would want to launch a costly investigation into a plush toy horse's plush patootie, so that problem would be moot and tax dollars saved. K.
1. Man Talk
Three Catholic men were talking.
The first said, "My son is a priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second man piped in, "My son is a bishop; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Your Grace'."
The third man smiled. "My daughter is 6-feet tall with 38D breasts, a 24-inch waist, and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God!' "
2. More Bumper Stickers
1. The Proctologist called ... They found your head!
2. Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date.
3. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
3. Little Johnny Joke No. 1,497
One day, little Johnny got home from pre-school early and headed upstairs. As he walked by his parents' bedroom, he was surprised to see his parents naked on their bed, making love. Not wanting to traumatize the child, they continued what they were doing. Soon Johnny asked, "Daddy, can I climb on your back for a horsey ride?"
Dad thought a moment and replied, "I suppose so, son. After all, we are a family."
After he rode a while, his mother started writhing wildly.
"Hang on, Dad!" cried Johnny. "This is always where the mailman and I get bucked off!"
Strip Club Raises Money For Haiti
TOLEDO, Ohio, USA -- A strip club in Toledo, Ohio, has raised money to help the people of Haiti, Voyeurwebbers,
The club, Marilyn's on Monroe, raised almost $1,000 for victims of the earthquake that devastated Haiti by hosting a charity fund-raising event called "Lap Dances for Haiti". The club donated all of its $10 cover charges for one day to the International Services of Hope charity.
According to local news media, the name of the event was misleading because strip clubs are legal in Ohio but lap-dances are not.
Club manager Kenny Soprano said he had been considering a charity event to improve the club's reputation even before the Haiti earthquake. "We'd been racking our brains for about a month or so, thinking about what we could do," he said. "You don't hear much about strip clubs giving back to the community.
"It was pretty hard to find an organization that wants to deal with an adult entertainment establishment," said Soprano.
Linda Greene, CEO of International Services of Hope, said she was happy to accept the donation: "I don't have a problem with it," she said.
Weirdness by K.
The weirdest thing recently happened in the U.S. state of New Jersey, Voyeurwebbers; it even had allusions, or possibly illusions, to the movie "The Godfather", which would seem to be a fit in New Jersey ... and yet it doesn't fit at all.
Here's what happened: Robert Godman, 61, of Wenonah, New Jersey, apparently had a package delivered to a state senator named Stephen Sweeney. Sen. Sweeny was acting governor while Gov. Jon Corzine was on vacation. When staffers opened the package the were alarmed to find -- Eye hope's you're sitting down for this, Voyeurwebbers -- (Cue the organist!).... a plush toy horse's head!
Despite their shock, the staffers had the presence of mind to call in a bomb squad as a precaution.
According to one news report the incident appeared a likely allusion to the classic cinematic scene in "The Godfather," in which a horse's head was used as a death threat by the Mafia.
In the end, the plush toy horse's head was found to be ... a ... er ... umm ... plush toy horse's head.
Nonetheless, Mr. Godman was arrested at the home he shares with his parents and charged with harassment. New Jersey State Police said they were looking into whether Godman and the package are related to a recent series of letters and faxes.
"We take every interaction with our government officials seriously, at least of this nature," said a state police sergeant. "This was not just some benign communication."
Eye warned you this would be weird, Voyeurwebbers. And it leaves some interesting questions, for instance: If delivering a real, severed horse's head is considered a Mafia death threat, what does a plush toy horse's head mean in "Mafia-ese"? Is the mob going to put out a "cuddle" on you instead of a hit? And what did the state police sergeant mean when he said, "... at least of this nature"? It makes Eye wonder if New Jersey is being hit by a deluge of packages delivered with plush-toy animal parts. Actually, that does sound a little creepy.
As Eye sees it, Voyeurwebbers, it could be possible, though not probable, that Mr. Godman sent the wrong part of the plush toy horse to the good senator. He might have meant to send the plush toy horse's plush patootie instead. That way the message would be clear ... and no official in his or her right mind -- with the possible exception of New Jersey -- would want to launch a costly investigation into a plush toy horse's plush patootie, so that problem would be moot and tax dollars saved. K.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Even 2 More Quickies
Even 2 More Quickies
1. At The Car Dealership
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
2. Why Men Have Better Friends
Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.
Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.
Embedded Text Messages Ruin Relationship
WINNIPEG, Manitoba, Canada -- Maintaining a relationship can be difficult enough at times, Voyeurwebbers, but technology may now be making it even more difficult. Consider the case of a 49-year-old man in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, who recently bought a new Samsung Virgin Mobil phone.
Suggestive text messages embedded in a new cellphone cost the man his relationship when his girlfriend discovered them, said officials. The man, who didn't want to be identified, told the Winnipeg journalists his girlfriend of more than two years found the messages on the phone and a break-up fight ensued.
He said he didn't even know the Samsung Virgin Mobile phone was text-equipped, but the three messages that came with the phone cost him the relationship. They included "Booty call," "Where u at," and "Be there soon," according to news reports.
He said Virgin Mobile advised him to file a written complaint.
The man also showed the messages to staff at the Future Shop store where he bought the cellphone.
"At first, we didn't believe him," said a sales associate. "But when we looked at a couple of the same [model] phones he bought, and found they all had the same messages ... we all felt horrible."
Strip Clubs by K.
While freedom of expression and freedom of choice won a victory last week in the U.S. state of Maryland's Montgomery County, Voyeurwebbers, a few states southwest of Maryland efforts are being made to do just the opposite.
In Jefferson City, Missouri, members of the state Senate gave preliminary approval of legislation that may change the "show me" state, into the "don't show me" state.
The legislation would placing far-reaching restrictions on adult-entertainment businesses in Missouri, and may continue on a legislative fast track due to a federal investigation.
State Sen. Matt Bartle presented the bill on the Senate floor just two days after he appeared before a federal grand jury in Kansas City, Missouri, to answer questions about the defeat of a nearly identical bill in 2005.
To become law, legislation approved Thursday must be voted on once more in the Senate, passed through the state House and ultimately signed by the governor. But if successful, it would represent a sea change for adult-oriented businesses.
Among the legislation's provisions: Nudity would be banned in strip clubs. Semi-nude dancers would have to stay at least six feet away from and not touch patrons. Adult businesses would have to close between midnight and 6 a.m. and could not sell alcohol. Adult businesses could not be opened within 1,000 feet of a school, church, day-care facility, library, park, residence or another adult business.
If upheld in court, the law probably would shut down strip clubs and adult bookstores, said attorney Dick Bryant, who represents about a dozen adult entertainment businesses in the Kansas City area.
As Eye sees it, Voyeurwebbers, banning nudity in strip clubs violates the constitutional right to freedom of expression for the dancers, and violates freedom of choice for both the dancers and the club's customers, as does the proposed ban on selling alcohol in adult entertainment establishments. Eye also thinks the Missouri state legislature has more important issues to deal with these days than putting the employees of 12 local businesses out of work. K.
1. At The Car Dealership
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
2. Why Men Have Better Friends
Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.
Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.
Embedded Text Messages Ruin Relationship
WINNIPEG, Manitoba, Canada -- Maintaining a relationship can be difficult enough at times, Voyeurwebbers, but technology may now be making it even more difficult. Consider the case of a 49-year-old man in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, who recently bought a new Samsung Virgin Mobil phone.
Suggestive text messages embedded in a new cellphone cost the man his relationship when his girlfriend discovered them, said officials. The man, who didn't want to be identified, told the Winnipeg journalists his girlfriend of more than two years found the messages on the phone and a break-up fight ensued.
He said he didn't even know the Samsung Virgin Mobile phone was text-equipped, but the three messages that came with the phone cost him the relationship. They included "Booty call," "Where u at," and "Be there soon," according to news reports.
He said Virgin Mobile advised him to file a written complaint.
The man also showed the messages to staff at the Future Shop store where he bought the cellphone.
"At first, we didn't believe him," said a sales associate. "But when we looked at a couple of the same [model] phones he bought, and found they all had the same messages ... we all felt horrible."
Strip Clubs by K.
While freedom of expression and freedom of choice won a victory last week in the U.S. state of Maryland's Montgomery County, Voyeurwebbers, a few states southwest of Maryland efforts are being made to do just the opposite.
In Jefferson City, Missouri, members of the state Senate gave preliminary approval of legislation that may change the "show me" state, into the "don't show me" state.
The legislation would placing far-reaching restrictions on adult-entertainment businesses in Missouri, and may continue on a legislative fast track due to a federal investigation.
State Sen. Matt Bartle presented the bill on the Senate floor just two days after he appeared before a federal grand jury in Kansas City, Missouri, to answer questions about the defeat of a nearly identical bill in 2005.
To become law, legislation approved Thursday must be voted on once more in the Senate, passed through the state House and ultimately signed by the governor. But if successful, it would represent a sea change for adult-oriented businesses.
Among the legislation's provisions: Nudity would be banned in strip clubs. Semi-nude dancers would have to stay at least six feet away from and not touch patrons. Adult businesses would have to close between midnight and 6 a.m. and could not sell alcohol. Adult businesses could not be opened within 1,000 feet of a school, church, day-care facility, library, park, residence or another adult business.
If upheld in court, the law probably would shut down strip clubs and adult bookstores, said attorney Dick Bryant, who represents about a dozen adult entertainment businesses in the Kansas City area.
As Eye sees it, Voyeurwebbers, banning nudity in strip clubs violates the constitutional right to freedom of expression for the dancers, and violates freedom of choice for both the dancers and the club's customers, as does the proposed ban on selling alcohol in adult entertainment establishments. Eye also thinks the Missouri state legislature has more important issues to deal with these days than putting the employees of 12 local businesses out of work. K.
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