~:: Why Men Are Never Depressed ::~

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can
wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to
a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is
your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have
to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work,
more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only
one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra
credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone
forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes
are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one
pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts
no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes!
No wonder men are happier.

Present For Husband

Present For Husband

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?""Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?""Which present?" She asked."The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!""Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

WEEK OF MAY 31, 2009

LEAD STORY

In a nondescript building next to a mosque in downtown Karachi, Pakistan, the Qadeer brothers discreetly make and market a million dollars' worth of fetish and bondage products a year for Americans and Europeans (through sales to stores and on eBay). In fact, if the radical Islamic office down the street knew about the Qadeers' work, they might be in trouble, according to an April New York Times dispatch, but fortunately, the gag balls, corsets and whips such as the "Mistress Flogger" are so odd for Pakistan that even the veiled women who sew them for the Qadeers do not understand that Americans use them for sex play. Customs officials, for example, were puzzled about how to categorize the items for tax purposes. "If our mom knew (the nature of our business)," said brother Adnan, "she would disown us." [New York Times, 4-28-09]
The Entrepreneurial Spirit!
Physician Geoffrey Hart, working with a grant from the National Institutes of Health, recently developed the Pedi-Sedate headgear to trick waiting-room kids into inhaling nitrous oxide while playing video games, thus knocking themselves out and, according to Hart's company, "dramatically improv(ing) the hospital or dental experience for the child, parents and healthcare providers." The helmet contains sophisticated sensors to monitor the dosages and effects on the child. [CNET News, 4-21-09]
Manliness: The Redneck Yacht Club opened in February near Naples, Fla., consisting of an 800-acre carefully designed mud pit that drivers pay $30 to frolic in with their own customized off-road vehicles. One mechanic told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune in April that he had spent $15,000 fixing up his rig, with 6-foot-high tires and a skull ornament. His review: "This place is kick-butt." [Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 4-2-09]
For Germany's fathers' day in May, the Panzer Fun Driving School in Germany's Brandenburg state suggested sending men off to drive one of its 13 Soviet armored vehicles (following a short class on the controls), and for an extra fee, patrons can ram their tanks over an old car. [Spiegel Online, 5-14-09]
Britons Sam Bompas and Harry Parr are revered chef-artists whose medium is the gelatin mold, with which they have created jelly models of, for example, London's St. Paul's Cathedral and a Madrid airport terminal, and who, for a New York customer, recently created orange-juice jelly inside some Compari jelly to produce a Compari-and-soda jelly. In April, the pair also opened a London bar, Alcoholic Architecture, in which vaporized gin and tonic saturate the air in equivalent strength of one gin-and-tonic drink for every 40 minutes of exposure. [New York Times, 4-16-09, 4-1-09]
Confusing Business Model: Patrick Ellison and Frank Mack, along with Edie Wells, were arrested in Dalton, Ga., in April after what police said was a joint venture in which alleged prostitute Wells knocked on a man's door and offered him sex, and when the man declined, Ellison and Mack arrived and forced the man to accept Wells' services. Following the sex, the three departed with the man's money and credit cards. [Dalton Daily Citizen, 4-29-09]
Weird Science
Good to Know: A case report in a recent issue of the journal Emergency Medicine Australasia described the successful removal of a leech from an eyeball. A 66-year-old woman, gardening in her back yard in Sydney, had accidentally flicked some soil into her eye. By the time a surgeon could extract the leech, it had roughly tripled its body size by feeding on the eyeball's blood vessels. (The key, by the way: a few drops of saline solution). [News.com.au-Australian Associated Press, 4-20-09]
In a recent journal article, researchers from the University of Whitwatersrand (South Africa) and the University of Sydney (Australia) reported that young male Augrabies lizards avoid older predatory males by, basically, cross-dressing (pretending to be female by suppressing their extravagant male coloration until they are fully developed and able to defend themselves). Thus, they avoid being attacked and, at the same time, increase their own freedom to hit on females. (They must still be careful, say the researchers, because the older males might whiff their male scent, which cannot be suppressed.) [Agence France-Presse, 3-3-09]
Leading Economic Indicators
In April, a manager at a Dean Health System clinic in Madison, Wis., received corporate instructions to "immediately" lay off 50 listed employees, and the manager (a 30-year nursing veteran) decided that that included pulling one RN out of a room in which she was assisting with surgery, leaving just a physician and lower-level staff members present. A clinic executive later called the manager's timing an error, but said there were no adverse consequences to the patient. [Wisconsin State Journal, 4-13-09]
Things People Believe
Ms. Indra Ningsih, a 26-year-old maid, was detained by a court in Hong Kong in April after her employer accused her of spiking her vegetable soup with menstrual blood. According to a report of the case in Hong Kong's The Standard, the maid was employing a belief in some Southeast Asian cultures that menstrual blood has special powers and would improve an otherwise-contentious relationship between the maid and the employer. [Agence France-Presse, 4-15-09]
Least Competent Criminals
First-time bank robber (according to police) Jason Durant, 32, reported to the hospital in New Milford, Conn., shortly after knocking off the National Iron Bank in April. As he fled the crime scene, he accidentally tumbled down a steep hill behind the bank, losing control of his stash, and his gun, during the fall. He broke his leg in several places (saying later that he heard snapping sounds). At the bottom of the hill, he crashed into a plow blade, slashing himself before dragging his bleeding, broken body to his getaway car (with only $2 left from the robbery). Suspicious hospital staff members notified police. [Republican-American (Waterbury, Conn.), 4-30-09]
Recurring Themes
Russia's long-running Moscow Cat Circus/Theater, reported in News of the Weird in 1998, is still in service, astonishing all who ever tried to train a cat. In the United States, Samantha Martin runs her own similar show (at such venues as Chicago's Gorilla Tango Theatre in March) featuring the Rock Cats trio on guitar, piano and drums, as well as a tightrope-walker, barrel-roller and skateboarder, among other daring performers. Martin admitted to a Chicago Tribune reporter that the cats' music "sucks," in that "when they're playing, they're not even playing the same thing," and anyway she has two backup drummers because her regular is prone to "walking off in a huff," sort of "like diva actresses." "This is why you don't see trained cat acts. Because ... the managers can't take the humiliation." [Chicago Tribune, 3-18-09]
Undignified Deaths
Difficult Times for Funeral Eulogists:
A 54-year-old man was found dead of a heart attack in a pornography video booth at the Beate Uhse sex shop in Cologne, Germany, in December. [The Local (Berlin), 12-5-08]
A 42-year-old comedian (and owner of a comedy club in Blackburn, England) was accidentally asphyxiated in April inhaling laughing gas while viewing computer pornography. [The Sun, 4-17-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (August 2001)
In an October 2001 incident that started out resembling a comedy movie scene, Alan Martin, 49, decided to petulantly protest police officers' decision to confiscate his RV after a minor accident, and deliberately lay down in the middle of a busy street in Daly City, Calif., refusing to budge. As officers tried for a while to talk him out of his obstinacy, they shielded his body by blocking a lane of traffic with their cruiser. A few minutes later, one of those notorious California hot-pursuit police chases just happened to head down the same street, and the car driven by fleeing suspect Kevin Domino, 37, accidentally rammed the stopped cruiser, then drove over Martin, and then while trying to straighten out his car, Domino ran over Martin again. (Police caught Domino a few blocks later when his car stalled out, and Martin was hospitalized in fair condition.) [San Francisco Chronicle, 10-3-01]
Thanks This Week to Richard Heiden, Bobby Stout, Phil Carhart, and Joe Church, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
(And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE---->
© 2009 UCLICK, L.L.C. ©2009 Chuck Shepherd

WEEK OF MAY 24, 2009

LEAD STORY

The New Waterboarding: In April, the district attorney in Vilas County, Wis., announced that he was seeking volunteers for a forensic test to help his case against Douglas Plude, 42, who is scheduled to stand trial soon for the second time in the death of his wife. The volunteers must be female, about 5-feet-8 and 140 pounds, and will have to stick their heads into a toilet bowl and flush. Plude is charged with drowning his wife in a commode, but his version (which the prosecutor will try to show is improbable) is that his wife committed suicide by flushing herself. [USA Today- AP, 4-12-09]
Compelling Explanations
Neal Horsley, running for governor of Georgia in the 2010 election on a platform encouraging the quaint Peach State legal theory of "nullification" (i.e., that the state can override the U.S. Constitution in certain instances), is principally known as a staunch foe of abortion who once posted a "hit list" of doctors. However, Horsley is also celebrated for a 2005 television interview with Fox News' Alan Colmes, in which Horsley described his childhood: "When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule." To a skeptical Colmes, Horsley added, "(Y)ou (city) people are so far removed from reality. ... Welcome to domestic life on the farm." [Examiner.com (Miami), 4-28-09; Creative Loafing Atlanta, 5-1-09]
A month after her client was accused of a March attempted murder, attorney Frances Hartman spoke up for him to a reporter. "(My client) is an exemplary young man," said Hartman, describing fourth-year Camden, N.J., medical student Brett Picciotti, 26, who was charged with shoving his girlfriend off a second-story balcony, but who denied that he pushed her. "This is an aberrational charge," Hartman said. "I think there's an explanation. I'm just not prepared to give it to you right now." [Philadelphia Daily News, 4-8-09]
Rammed for a Good Reason: Lorena Alvarez was charged with aggravated battery in April in Lake Worth, Fla., after allegedly, angrily crashing her car into her boyfriend's pickup truck, thus endangering her two kids, ages 7 and 1, who were with her. She explained to police that her boyfriend was about to drive off drunk and hitting him was the best way to prevent danger to other motorists. [Palm Beach Post, 4-30-09]
John Angeline was charged with fatally running over gas station attendant Haeng Soon Yang in Mossy Rock, Wash., in April after she tried to stop him from leaving without paying for $34 in fuel. Angeline, captured nearby, explained to police that he had run over the woman because she looked like she was about to "cast a spell" on him. [KOMO-TV (Seattle), 4-7-09]
Ironies
On April 8, the New Hampshire House of Representatives debated a controversial bill to outlaw discrimination against "transgenders" (those born of one sex but who identify as the other), and the legislation passed by one vote. Coincidentally, April 8 was the state's Tartan Day, and by tradition, male lawmakers of Scottish ancestry wore kilts to work. Thus, some opponents of giving greater protection to "men" who wear skirts were men who were that day wearing "skirts." (In any event, the state Senate subsequently rejected the bill.) [Concord Monitor, 4-9-09]
Environmental activists Raoul Surcouf and Richard Spink set sail from Bristol, England, in May on a 40-foot boat outfitted with solar panels and a wind turbine to attempt the first carbon-neutral crossing of Greenland's polar ice cap (a journey being monitored eagerly online in Bristol by 25,000 schoolchildren). However, 400 miles off the coast of Ireland, hurricane-force winds destroyed the boat, and the crew was lucky to be rescued by a nearby ship, which was a tanker carrying 680,000 barrels of crude oil. [The Guardian (London), 5-6-09]
Almost No Longer Weird: In Los Angeles on March 29, hit-and-run drivers killed two pedestrians: an 18-year-old female college student and, hours later, a 55-year-old Guatemalan-American construction worker. As is not unusual, according to the Los Angeles Times, the LAPD went into massive "overdrive" to find the woman's killer but handed the other homicide off to "a lone detective with little more to go on than hope." [Los Angeles Times, 5-4-09]
On April 25, in Washington, D.C., the murder of a black teenager was reported in two sentences of that day's Washington Post while nearly 10 times the space was devoted to the colonoscopy of a panda at the city's National Zoo. [Washington Post, 5-9-09]
Why Government Workers Get a Reputation
In April, accounting clerk James Kauchis made a formal complaint to the personnel office of the county Department of Social Services in Binghamton, N.Y., demanding that he be compensated for a recent interrupted lunch hour. Kauchis had missed lunch when DSS offices were locked down as police secured the neighborhood surrounding the site of the April 3 massacre in which a gunman killed 13 people and then himself. Although DSS had pizza and beverages brought in during the siege, Kauchis felt that wasn't as good as a regular lunch hour. [Binghamton Press & Sun-Bulletin, 4-14-09]
Fetishes on Parade
Perverts Giving 110 Percent Effort: Allan Mailloux, 45, was arrested for flashing motorists as he walked among rush-hour traffic in Madison, Wis., in January, on a day when the high temperature was minus-2 (F). [Wisconsin State Journal, 1-15-09]
Police in Mount Pleasant, Iowa, investigated reports in February from "several" people that a man was driving up alongside motorists on Highway 78, and if the motorist was a lone female, he would speed on ahead, pull over to the shoulder, get out, and flash the motorist as she drove by. [The Hawk Eye (Burlington, Iowa), 2-17-09]
Least Competent Criminals
Questionable Judgments: In April in Arnold, Mo., police arrested a suspected shoplifter trying to leave a Schnucks store with unpaid-for merchandise. She aroused suspicion from security personnel only because she was attempting to exit through an automatic "enter" door and was slow to figure out the problem and loud in expressing her frustration. [KSDK-TV (St. Louis), 4-1-09]
Nathaniel Johnson, 19, was arrested in March in Tampa on burglary charges when police produced solid evidence of his presence in a neighborhood that had reported several break-ins. Johnson was revealed to be at each crime scene because he was traced by the ankle monitor he was wearing from a previous court appearance. [WFTS-TV (Tampa), 3-13-09]
Recurring Themes
Public urination continues to be dangerous, as News of the Weird has reported periodically. In April, a 23-year-old man tumbled off a bridge over the Minnesota River in Bloomington, Minn., just before 5 a.m. while attempting to urinate. He fell 30 feet but survived. And in March, tugboat captain Kevin McGonigle fell off his boat into the Campbell River near Victoria, British Columbia, while attempting to urinate. He was rescued after 70 minutes, clad only in T-shirt and pajama bottoms, and could not have survived much longer in the frigid waters. [St. Paul Pioneer-Press-AP, 4-19-09] [Vancouver Sun, 3-4-09]
The Classic Middle Name (All-New!)
Arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder: Codey Wayne Miller, Johnson City, Tenn. (May). Darcy Wayne Banaszek, Skamania County, Wash. (May). Dale Wayne Baylis, Denver (May). Benjamin Wayne Shorter, Catonsville, Md. (April). Timothy Wayne Fletcher, Welaka, Fla. (April). Paul Wayne Stark, Pueblo, Colo. (March). Abrey Wayne Fortner, Blountsville, Tenn. (January). On trial for murder at press time: Geoffrey Wayne Freeman, Brisbane, Australia. Arrested in Nevada, at press time fighting extradition to Roseberg, Ore., to face a murder charge: Dale Wayne Hill (April). Committed suicide after (according to police) murdering his wife: Terry Wayne Scott, Dade City, Fla. (May). Miller: [Knoxville News-Sentinel-AP, 5-12-09] Banaszek: [The Columbian (Vancouver, Wash.), 5-11-09] Baylis: [Denver Post, 5-7-09] Shorter: [Arbutus (Md.) Times, 3-30-09] Fletcher: [Ocala Star-Banner, 4-19-09] Stark: [KMGH-TV (Denver), 3-31-09] Fortner: [Bristol (Tenn.) News, 4-25-09] Freeman: [Brisbane Times, 5-6-09] Hill: [KGW-TV (Portland), 4-22-09] Scott: [St. Petersburg Times, 5-4-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (May 1998)
On the day before Good Friday in 1998, reported the Los Angeles Times, Dr. Ernesto A. Moshe Montgomery consecrated the Shrine of the Weeping Shirley MacLaine at the Beta Israel Temple in Los Angeles. Inspired by an image he said he had while riding in the actress's private jet, Montgomery said a subsequent, large photograph of him with MacLaine was "observed shedding tears," which had inspired congregants' prayers and testimony of miraculous healings. [Los Angeles Times, 4-10-98]
Thanks This Week to Michelle Jensen, Sandy Pearlman, Bob Seidman, Michael Lawlor, Grant Barton, Carmel Sileo, Carol Callaghan, Curtis Johnson, Melanie Cumbee, John Rye, John Votel, and Jerry Williamson, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
(And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE---->
© 2009 UCLICK, L.L.C. ©2009 Chuck Shepherd

The Answer Man

Originally Published on Saturday May 23, 2009
Our National Pastime's Inventor?
1. What Union Army general do people still occasionally claim created the sport of baseball, even though more often, he is not listed as its inventor?
2. What event that took place in 1777 is celebrated each year June 14?
3. How many U.S. military academies are there? For Bragging Rights, name them.
4. When the Declaration of Independence was approved, 12 of the colonies voted in favor of it. Name the colony that temporarily abstained from approving the document.
5. Name the author of the noted novel "Moby Dick."
6. In the 1992 presidential election, Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush each finished third in one state. Can you name the two states?
7. What man opened the first five-and-ten-cent store, in Lancaster, Pa., in 1879?
8. What motor vehicle was invented by the German inventor Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler in 1885?
9. What city is the capital of the Kingdom of Morocco?
10. Which of the 50 states is nicknamed the Treasure State?
Answers
1. Abner Doubleday usually is not considered to be baseball's inventor.
2. June 14 marks the anniversary of the adoption of the Stars and Stripes as the U.S. flag. Thus, it's Flag Day.
3. The five military academies are the U.S. Military Academy (West Point), the U.S. Naval Academy, the U.S. Air Force Academy, the U.S. Coast Guard Academy and the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy.
4. New York held back temporarily from approving the Declaration of Independence but did later join in.
5. Herman Melville (1819-91) wrote the famed novel.
6. Clinton finished third in Utah, behind Bush and Ross Perot. Bush finished third in Maine, about 300 votes behind Perot. Thanks to Lilburn, Ga., Answer Man-er Marshall Miller, who sent us this question.
7. The famed five-and-dimes were begun by F.W. (Frank Winfield) Woolworth.
8. With skills in inventing internal-combustion engines, Daimler invented the motorcycle.
9. Rabat is the capital of Morocco.
10. Montana is known as the Treasure State.

WEEK OF MAY 17, 2009

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WEEK OF MAY 10, 2009

LEAD STORY

"Consensual Living" parenting, which was developed in 2006 and now has many hundreds of followers, supposes that every family member's needs are equally valid and respectworthy. Even pre-adolescents are assumed able to understand their own needs and respect those of others. When little Kiernen, 3, of Langley, British Columbia, hits another child, his mom told Toronto's Globe & Mail in March, she does not invoke authority but instead asks about his feelings and whether he'd like to express himself differently. If Kahlan, 18 months old, of Nanaimo, British Columbia, is grumpy at a time when her mother has made plans, Mom says she is obligated to consider other plans. And when Savannah, 6, insisted on wearing her Halloween cat costume every single day for several months, her mom in Burlington, Ontario, just shrugged, since she recalled how contentious the morning dressing rituals were, pre-Consensual Living. [Globe & Mail, 3-31-09]
Building a Risk-Free Society
Safety First in Britain: Recently, 118 local government councils conducted formal tests on their cemeteries' gravestones to see how susceptible they are to toppling over and hurting people, according to an April Daily Telegraph report. [Daily Telegraph, 4-19-09]
In April, a circus clown performing in Liverpool was ordered not to wear his classic oversized shoes because he could trip and injure someone. [Daily Telegraph, 4-23-09]
BBC producers, wielding a "telephone-book-size" set of safety precautions while making a recent adventure documentary, ordered Sir Robin Knox-Johnston (the first person to sail single-handedly and nonstop around the world) not to light a portable stove unless a "safety advisor" supervised. [Daily Mail, 4-18-09]
Oops!
For 15 years, police in southern Germany have been futilely tracking a female "serial killer" whose DNA (but little other matching physical evidence) was found at 40 crime scenes, including six murders. Only in 2007 did they begin to consider alternative theories, and in March 2009, a state justice minister announced that the case had been solved: The DNA matched up in the tests because the cotton swabs used to collect it had been contaminated at the factory (but authorities still have not determined which female factory worker inadvertently supplied the DNA). [BBC News, 3-26-09]
The Continuing Crisis
Be Wary of Discount Funeral Services: A 2004 burial in Allendale, S.C., is just now being investigated after relatives learned that the deceased, a 6-foot-7 man, was somehow laid to rest in a 6-foot-long coffin that was part of his prepaid plan. [Charlotte Observer-AP, 3-31-09]
Authorities in Houston are investigating a funeral home that handles burial of paupers on contract from the county after, somehow, a 91-year-old male (who was supposed to be preserved for viewing) was cremated instead of the female who was scheduled. [Houston Chronicle, 4-8-09]
Lobbying Pays: University of Kansas researchers, reporting in April, disclosed that a single tax provision in a 2004 law (allowing U.S. multinational corporations to avoid federal tax on foreign profits) gained a typical company $220 for every $1 the company had spent lobbying Congress to enact that provision. Among the big winners was the Eli Lilly pharmaceutical company, which disclosed spending $8.5 million to lobby for the law and gaining a tax break of more than $2 billion. (The lobbying emphasized that the lower tax would enable the companies to create more jobs, but the Congressional Research Service found that most of the tax savings went to pay dividends or buy back company stock.) [Washington Post, 4-12-09]
In a study of the last six years' admissions at hospital emergency rooms in the Austin, Texas, area (reported in April), 900 people were identified as using ERs six or more times in the previous three months, and nine specific patients had made a total of 2,678 visits in the six-year period. [Austin American-Statesman, 4-1-09]
Mixed Signs From the Middle East: In March, at a soccer match in Hilla, Iraq, between two local teams, as a player with the ball approached the goal to attempt a tying kick late in the game, an overenthusiastic spectator drew his gun and shot him dead. [Reuters, 3-16-09]
In more hopeful news, authorities in Ramallah said that the March 24 bank robbery by armed gunmen who snatched the equivalent of $30,000 was pulled off by five Palestinians and an Israeli Jew, working together. [Agence France-Presse, 3-30-09]
The Miracle Drug That Changes Everything
A 44-year-old intoxicated man was arrested in Ann Arbor, Mich., in March, blocking traffic by approaching an officer and requesting a big hug (and then cursing the officer when he declined). [Ann Arbor News, 3-6-09]
A 22-year-old tipsy soccer fan celebrating on a chartered bus after a match in West Bromwich, England, in January, was run over by a motorist after he fell out the back door of the bus, believing it led to the restroom. [United Press International, 2-3-09]
Family Values
Not "Consensual Living": An Oregon, Wis., man was arrested in February after his 9-year-old son wrote a school essay about the time his dad shot him in the buttocks with a BB gun because he was blocking his view of the TV set. [Wisconsin State Journal, 2-13-09]
A 58-year-old man was arrested in Baltimore in February for allegedly stabbing his 19-year-old son after an argument over the son's refusal to remove his hat during church service. [Fox News-AP, 2-24-09]
Least Competent Criminals
Timothy Grim, 39, was arrested in Shreveport, La., in April after swiping several garments from the rehearsal room of the Shreveport Opera and dashing off. The conductor and three performers took chase and cornered Grim several blocks away, still in possession of one part of a diva's outfit, which he immediately offered to sell back to the opera, and by the time police arrived, Grim had cut his asking price to $1. [KTBS-TV (Shreveport), 2-24-09]
Not Ready for Prime Time: A 16-year-old boy was arrested in Centerville, Utah, in April as he roamed a neighborhood at night trying to break into several cars. The last one he tried was the private vehicle of a sheriff's deputy, who was still in it, in uniform and finishing a phone call after coming off his shift. After arresting the kid, the deputy reported that the boy had been so stunned when he saw the deputy inside the car that he immediately soiled his pants. Said the deputy, "You could smell him." [Deseret News, 4-21-09]
Recurring Themes
In April, the City Council of Vero Beach, Fla., grappling with the question of how much skin can legally be exposed in public, adopted the definitions that at least two other Florida jurisdictions use (and which were reported in News of the Weird). "Buttocks," for example, is "the area of the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line drawn at the top of the nates (i.e., the prominence of the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the lowest visible (sic) of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower." [Treasure Coast Newspapers, 4-6-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (March 2004)
The New York Times reported in February 2004 on a Washington, D.C., man whose love of music led him, in the 1960s, to meticulously hand-make and hand-paint facsimile record album covers of his fantasized music, complete with imagined lyric sheets and liner notes (with some "albums" even shrink-wrapped in plastic), and, even more incredibly, to hand-make cardboard facsimiles of actual grooved discs to put inside them. "Mingering Mike," whom a reporter and two hobbyists tracked down (but who declined to be identified in print) also made real music, on tapes, using his and friends' voices to simulate instruments. His 38 imagined "albums" were discovered at a flea market after Mike defaulted on storage-locker fees. [New York Times, 2-2-04]
Thanks This Week to Stephen Taylor, Peter Hine, Kathryn Wood, Warren Brown, Pete Randall, Karl Luhrs, Tom Barker, Tom Burnett, James Wicht, and Rich Pevey, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
(And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE---->
© 2009 UCLICK, L.L.C. ©2009 Chuck Shepherd